Overly Violent Student Double Hail Hina
by Tuxedo Jack
Summary: The reference guide is posted. With that, the story's officially closed for good.
1. In which Keitaro gains a fuku

"What the _HELL_ is this crap?" - Asuka, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Manga #5  
  
***********  
  
Tuxedo Jack and Craptacularly Spignificant Productions present  
  
-the product of a mind on crack -   
  
-with apologies to Akamatsu and Takeuchi-  
  
Over-Violent Student Double Hail Hina:  
A Crossover that Should Never Be  
  
***********  
  
Disclaimer: Oh, you know, I don't own either LH or BSSM. Xing  
can take it and stuff it for deleting my MSTings.  
  
This does deviate from the LH timeline, so bear with me.  
  
***********  
  
"WAAAAAAAH!"  
  
Urashima Keitaro, the ever-intrepid ronin, left the test center  
dismayed once more. It was his _third_ time taking the test to  
be admitted to Tokyo Daigaku, and once again he'd failed it.  
  
"Oh, man, Aunt Haruka's going to be _so_ mad at me for this..."  
He sighed, and with that, he crumpled the test paper and cocked  
his arm to toss it behind him. But just then, his arm hit a   
conveniently placed light pole, and he jumped in pain... and  
tripped.  
  
On his way down, his hands flailed around, trying to find  
purchase... and find a grip they did, right on the edge of a  
stunning red-haired girl's fuku. He fell, and had, arguably the  
best heads-up display in the world for a minute... before said  
red-haired girl screamed "PERVERT!" and punched him into the  
stratosphere.  
  
On his flight up, Keitaro sighed. "Life just keeps kicking me  
when I'm down."  
  
***  
  
That afternoon, back at the Hinata-sou...  
  
"WHAT?!?"  
  
Naru's scream was audible half a block away. "That PERVERT'S  
going to be kanrinrin HERE?!? This is a _GIRLS' DORMINTORY!_"  
  
Keitaro shook his ears, and Haruka merely took another drag.  
"He's an Urashima blood relative, and you need a kanrinrin.  
Besides, I'm too busy thanks to the teahouse."  
  
"But... but..."  
  
"You two're trying to get into Todai, right? Then you can study   
together, and maybe you'll help each other out." Haruka stood  
and turned to leave.  
  
"But, Haruka-oba - ack!"   
  
Haruka slapped Keitaro in the back of his head. "Haruka-san!"  
She took another drag, then dropped her cigarette in an ashtray.  
"I'm leaving. Keitaro, clean up the house."  
  
Naru turned to Keitaro, anger in her eyes. "If I _EVER_ catch  
you peeping, I'll crucify you, cut out your tongue, and send you  
to HELL! Do you understand me?"  
  
Keitaro only nodded. He couldn't do much more, thanks to a sudden   
terrifying vision of Narusegawa with a scythe and a crucifix.  
  
***  
  
Elsewhere...  
  
Queen Kanako of the Dark Kingdom sat in her EVIL THRONE OF DOOM,  
thinking of her newest plan to invade Earth and control the world.  
(That, and take enough Kentucky Fried Chicken to power her evil  
minions for eternity, but that was a secondary matter. The real   
reason she wanted to control Earth was to find the man of her dreams.)  
  
"Shiraite!"  
  
The student formerly known as Shirai emerged from the shadows.  
"Yes, my queen?"  
  
Kanako turned to Shiraite. "You will go to Hinata, and when there,  
you shall drain energy from students. Their energy from their failing  
exam grades will power the Dark Kingdom for eons!"  
  
Shiraite bowed, and turned to leave, but then turned back. "And  
you're sure that if I pull this off, you'll get me into Todai?  
I don't want to be one of the Shironin forever."  
  
Kanako sighed. "You've got my promise on that," she snapped. "And don't  
forget that you've got a good 401K and benefits!"  
  
"Yeah, but dental isn't covered," Shiraite whined.  
  
"GO!"  
  
***  
  
Keitaro scrubbed.  
  
He didn't just scrub, though. He _SCRUBBED_, in only the way that  
_SCRUBBING_ can describe.  
  
***  
  
Elsewhere, _Sancho_ sneezed.  
  
***  
  
And as Keitaro scrubbed the women's bath, a small turtle flew into  
the hot springs.  
  
"Myuu."  
  
He blinked and turned to the newcomer. "When did you get here? Huh."  
Keitaro picked up the turtle and looked at it with a smile. "You're  
a cute little one, you are. You have a name?"  
  
"Myuu."  
  
Keitaro blinked. "Wish I could understand that."  
  
"Myuu!" With that, the turtle slapped Keitaro across his face with the   
small metal nametag on its collar.  
  
"Tama-chan..." Keitaro passed out with the obligatory swirls in his   
eyes.  
  
Tama sighed. "Myuu."  
  
***  
  
Shiraite appeared in a flash of eye-popping ILM special effects outside  
Hinata-Sou. Unfortunately, we can't show you that, because when Shirai  
tried to load the special effects page, he got an error 404, and he had   
to troubleshoot the whole thing. So he eventually gave up on it and knocked  
on the door.  
  
"Keitaro! Hey, buddy, how're you doing?"  
  
Keitaro blinked... again. "Afternoon, Shirai. How'd you do on your exam?"  
  
"Not too well, but I'm definitely going to get into Todai!" Shiraite grinned.  
"I've got luck on my side, and a little help to boot!"  
  
Keitaro stepped back. "So, Shirai, you feel up to going for karaoke today?"  
  
"Nope, Keitaro, I've got some work to do for my new boss. Something about  
finding students who failed their exams."  
  
***  
  
"Myuu..." Tama flew into the main room, dragging Keitaro's sponge on its  
back. "Myuu!"  
  
"HEY! I need that to finish cleaning the baths!" Keitaro ran after Tama,  
waving his arms all the way. "Hey! Give that back!"  
  
Tama myuu-ed one last time as it flew into Keitaro's room and collapsed   
on his bed.  
  
"Now you give that back, Tama!" Keitaro pulled the sponge off, revealing  
a Japanese flag emblazoned on her back. "What the..."  
  
"Myuu!" Tama said. "So you're the chosen one, myuu?"  
  
"What the..."  
  
"You must be the chosen one, Urashima, or else you'd just hear a myuu-ing  
whenever I spoke."  
  
"But... but..." And with that, Keitaro was reduced (again) to a slightly  
blubbering idiot.  
  
"Oh, for heaven's sake... do you remember back then? Ages ago, in your old   
life? You made a promise, a promise to a woman, a promise that you  
two would go to Todai together."  
  
Keitaro nodded, but his mind was reduced to that of two monkeys picking  
fleas off each other's backs.  
  
Tama continued, seemingly oblivious to Keitaro's state. "But then, you and she  
were separated, and you were forced to grow up without her. But even through  
that, and even though you forgot about the promise, you've been subconsciously   
keeping it this whole time. And all of this is due to the efforts of... the Enemy."  
  
"The... Enemy?"  
  
"No, the Enemy. Get it straight, because you're going to be fighting them."  
  
Keitaro suddenly shifted his mind into full gear. "I'm fighting the Enemy?  
What are they, giant evil Angels bent on destroying humanity? Rogue robots  
trying to kill everything and everyone? Youma, maybe?"  
  
Tama sighed. "Um, actually... they're four ronin who made a deal with the devil  
to get into Todai."  
  
Keitaro facefaulted.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Naru wandered down into the main room. She was bored and restless and seemed  
to be looking for something...  
  
"Hey, beautiful! Didn't I see you at the exam center today?"  
  
Naru turned towards Shiraite, her fist extended as if for a Naru-punch, but   
calmed down when she saw the student on the couch. "Don't call me that, and  
yes, you did."  
  
"So how'd _you_ do on your exams? I'm sure I got in."  
  
Naru sat down on the couch Kitsune normally occupied with a sigh. "I'm  
a ronin again. I don't believe it. I studied so hard, I checked my work...  
I still failed my exams."  
  
It was at that point that Shiraite realized that Naru was a perfect target,   
and began to drain her energy via a super-secret technique that wasn't entirely  
unlike the Happo Ten-Yen Satsu.  
  
Okay, it was pretty close, but if it was closer, I'd get sued for copyright   
infringement.   
  
***  
  
Tama flew in a backflip, and when she was done, a small brooch fell out of nowhere  
onto Keitaro's lap. "If you put this on, and say 'Todai Ronin Power, Make-up,'  
you'll turn into Sailor Senpai, defender of students and protector of the world."  
  
Keitaro blinked. "What? You mean I get a cool henshin sequence?"  
  
"And special attacks and such. But you'd better transform now, because that  
redhead downstairs is getting attacked by the first of the four Shironin!"  
  
He nodded, and raised the brooch high. "Plot Contrivance Power, Make UP!"  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
"You got the phrase wrong, dummy..."  
  
"Oh, fine," Keitaro sighed. "Todai Ronin Power, Make UP!"  
  
With a rush and a roar, along with cool background music, Keitaro became   
Sailor Senpai. Again, we're not going to show you this, because Keitaro isn't  
exactly the most attractive of physical specimens, and a henshin sequence with  
him naked wouldn't exactly be something anyone other than Mutsumi (and maybe  
Naru, in retrospect) wouldn't want to see, ne? That, and I don't want to waste   
5KB on describing it.  
  
In short, he ended up just as the reader would expect.   
  
In a fuku. With a _short_ skirt.  
  
Tama-chan groaned. "I've got to modify that so he can wear _pants_."  
  
***  
  
Shiraite continued draining Naru's energy until she was passed out on the  
floor. "And now..." He turned to leave...  
  
"Hold it right there, Shirai!"  
  
"What the..." Shiraite turned towards the stairway, only to be blinded by the  
sight of Keitaro in his fuku.  
  
"I'm Sailor Senpai, defender of students and protector of the planet Earth!  
I can't allow you to drain the energy of students and use it for your evil  
purposes, and so, in the name of Todai..."  
  
Keitaro powerposed. "I'll punish you!"  
  
Shiraite gagged. "Seeing you in a short skirt's punishment enough. You mind   
putting some pants or something on?"  
  
Sailor Senpai blushed. "I didn't know you were interested in me like that!"  
  
Shiraite snickered. "Not my style."  
  
Senpai jumped towards Shiraite, leg outstretched. "Sailor Senpai KICK!" He missed,  
collapsing to the ground. "That hurt!"  
  
"You won't defeat me easily, Ronin!" Shiraite laughed evilly. "I'm far too  
powerful, and besides, the Dark Queen has given me her assurances that I'll  
be admitted into Todai!"  
  
"No you won't!" Sailor Senpai stood up. "I'm not going to let you do that,  
not for a million years!"  
  
"You can't stop me - URK!" Shiraite collapsed to the ground, holding a hand over  
his leg, which now sported a massive wound. "Who did that?"  
  
Piano music started in the background, and two shadowy figures stood in the  
nearby window.  
  
"Heralded by the machine age, I am here, appearing beautifully, Sailor Mecha!"  
  
"Filled by the contents of the buffet, I am here, appearing beautifully, Sailor  
Shefu!"  
  
Sailor Senpai and Shiraite stared in shock as Sailor Shefu leapt forward  
and fired off an attack. "Yakitori Skewer!" Skewers of perfectly-made roast  
chicken flew forawrd into Shiraite's clothes, pinning him to the ground, and  
Sailor Mecha followed up with her attack.  
  
"Mecha Tamago CRUSH!" A giant turtle mecha came out of nowhere and collapsed  
on top of Shiraite, making sure he couldn't get up. With that complete, Sailors  
Mecha and Shefu leapt out of Hinata-Sou, leaving only the remnants of their attacks  
behind.  
  
Sailor Senpai stared in shock. "What... the hell... was that?"  
  
Shiraite struggled to get out from under the turtle. "I don't know, but you mind   
letting me out from under this thing?"  
  
Senpai moved towards him, and then stepped back. "Hey, I'm not going to help you!  
You nearly killed Naru!" He looked towards the couch, which was now empty. "Hey,  
where'd she go?"  
  
Shiraite groaned. "I don't know, but you mind GETTING THIS THING OFF ME?"  
  
Sakura petals inscribed with the kanji and kana for "promise" wafted through the  
room, and soft piano music began in the background. "You can't go around hurting  
students and draining their energy - it's not right!"  
  
Senpai and Shiraite stared at the new figure, who was standing in the window  
wearing a tuxedo. "I'm Tuxedo Ronin, and I'm here to protect and defend Sailor  
Senpai!" She ran towards Shiraite, who by this time had managed to get loose  
of the yakitori skewers and giant turtle, and screamed an attack - "Ronin  
PUUUUUUNCH!"  
  
With a single blow, Shiraite was sent into low Earth orbit, and Sailor Senpai  
prepared his finishing attack. A few seconds later, he landed right in front  
of Sailor Senpai and Tuxedo Ronin, and Senpai released his final attack.  
  
"Todai... Exam... SURGE!"  
  
Hundreds of exam papers flew towards Shiraite and buried him. Shiraite let out  
a single cry of "GAINAX!" before he died and his body dissolved into a mist   
of light.  
  
Tuxedo Ronin bent towards Keitaro, her face glinting in the light. "You  
know, you're kinda cute in this light."  
  
Senpai got a slight nosebleed, and turned away. When he turned, he tripped,  
and when he fell, he pulled off Tuxedo Ronin's hat and mask. For just a second,  
he got a glimpse of her beautiful face, and a flash of red hair...  
  
And then he was promptly flying through the air to the sound of "PERVERT!"  
  
***  
  
Finally...  
  
Back in the Dark Kingdom, Queen Kanako sighed. "It looks like I'm not  
going to get that energy any time soon. And who's this 'Sailor Senpai'  
that showed up? I must find out more about him... he's so handsome."  
  
Haitanite stepped forwards. "Queen Kanako, will you send me to remedy  
Shiraite's failures? After all, I am the superior of the Shironin."  
  
Kanako shook her head. "No. We must not act yet. We must study these four  
who stepped forwards to oppose us. They seek to complete the Promise. If  
they complete it, a force of unlimited power will be released, and if the  
Promise is not completed, we will gain that power."  
  
Haitanite sighed. "So you're sending Saraite to do the job, then?"  
  
"No, I think you'll do nicely. After all, Liddite is... busy with his  
television show."  
  
"And another thing, queen - can we _please_ move the Dark Kingdom  
out of the Hinata-Sou storage shed?"  
  
Kanako glowered at Haitanite. "NO! I want to be near onii-san!"  
  
Haitanite cowered. "If that's your wish, my queen." He faded into darkness,  
and Kuro appeared next to Kanako.  
  
"You really need professional help, you know that?"  
  
"Me or the author?"  
  
"Both of you."  
  
And then the Fourth Wall promptly fell on them both, knocking them out...  
much to Haitanite's relief.  
  
**********  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES  
  
God help me, I don't know what came over me when I wrote this over the  
course of an evening. It may have been crack, it may have been insanity,  
it may have been the result of working with RM2K3 too much. But let me  
tell you this... it's a one-shot. Anyone wants to take this and run with it,  
let me know before you do it.  
  
Just be grateful it wasn't the LH/Eva fusion I originally had in mind.  
  
Seriously, though, I've got tons of stuff on my mind now. I've got school,  
Castlevania: Clockwork of Night, and tons of pieces that are handwritten that  
I've got to transcribe to upload.  
  
I'm still pissed at Xing for wiping my MSTings when he could instead focus on  
something more useful - like shutting down Fictionpress and re-adding those  
works there to FFN, since no one's going to go there anyway. However, i'm still   
MSTing, and I've got Episode 206 about halfway done. Again, it'll be up in full   
form on my site when I get it done, and in host segment form only on FFN.  
  
In the meantime, watch for me on Manicszone and GameFAQs.I'm writing FAQs  
for a lot of games and also patches/guides for RPG Maker 2003.  
  
Ja ne, everyone!  
  
Tuxy  
March 4, 2003 


	2. In which a new Sailor arrives

"Evil! EEEEEVIL!" - Hecubus  
  
***********  
  
Tuxedo Jack and Craptacularly Spignificant Productions present  
  
-a fic not from sound mind or body-   
  
-with apologies to Akamatsu and Takeuchi-  
  
Over-Violent Student Double Hail Hina:  
A Crossover that Should Never Be  
PART 2!  
  
***********  
  
Disclaimer: Again, I don't own LH or BSSM. Xing can be  
dipped in Alpo and fed to poodles for deleting my MSTings,  
and the Giant Flaming Fruitfly of Doom will come for those  
who do not leave reviews.  
  
**********  
  
Previously, on OVSDHH:ACTSNB... (Boy, that's hard to pronounce.)  
  
-Keitaro discovered that living in a girl's dorm isn't all  
it's cracked up to be (unless you count his skull, which  
_is_ cracked up like it shouldn't be)  
  
-Tama-chan bestowed the power of the Todai Ronin upon  
Keitaro, which turns him into Sailor Senpai, who (unfortunately)  
wears a short skirt and looks like a Sailor Venus cosplayer -   
a _male_ Sailor Venus cosplayer.  
  
-A whole bunch of screwy-ass characters showed up, ranging from   
Dark Queen Kanako to Shiraite to Sailor Shefu. However, I'm not   
going to use precious space describing them; you can go back and  
read the previous chapter. Just press the back button. Thaaaaat's  
right, that one.  
  
And now on with the not-quite-so-good show...  
  
**********  
  
Urashima Keitaro sat down on a conveniently placed park bench,  
which, ironically, was in the park in the town of Hinata. He leaned  
his head back and stared off into the blue.  
  
"Being a Sailor Senshi isn't as easy as I thought it would be.  
There was the whole short skirt thing... and then those two weird  
sailors who showed up... and then Tuxedo Ronin. God, she's beautiful."  
  
Unfortunately for him, Naru Narusegawa was passing by at the moment.  
She overheard this soliliquoy, and paused for a second, blushing.  
"Could he mean me? I mean, I'm the only woman he's met lately,  
other than his aunt... and that'd be just weird."  
  
"Red hair..." Keitaro mumbled. "That's the only clue I've got as to   
who she is..."  
  
All of a sudden, the back legs of his bench broke - be it from rust  
or the heavy weight of his thoughts, we'll never know - and it tipped   
backwards, tumbling him right into line under Naru's skirt.  
  
"Whoa, MAMA!" The ground below Keitaro was suddenly drenched in blood.  
  
"PERVERT!" And Keitaro once again flew into orbit courtesy of Narusegawa  
Super-Punch Airlines.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, in the Dark Kingdom...  
  
Dark Queen Kanako stared broodingly into the orbs before her.  
  
She stared.  
  
And stared.  
  
And stared some more.  
  
Eventually, she blinked, and Kuro smirked. "Ha. I told you cats had  
more control than humans."  
  
"Oh, shut up. So how much energy did Shiraite get for us before  
the mysterious Sailor Senpai took him out?"  
  
"None." Kuro sighed. It generally wasn't healthy to make Kanako mad,  
as Liddite had found out last night after he had returned from taping  
his television program. He'd come up with some poor excuse, and Kanako  
had found out that he wasn't telling the whole truth. The punishment  
she gave him was horrifying...  
  
He had to clean the bathrooms of a public American high school for  
a month.  
  
Kuro shuddered. "That's just cruel, what you did to Liddite."  
  
Kanako glared at Kuro. "He deserved it. He's been working on a cutesy kids'  
show and not getting energy for me." Kanako turned towards the legions  
of evil minions that stood around in her throne room. "Haitanite, step forward!"  
  
The new warrior of the Shironin did so, and he gingerly stepped around the pile  
of youma poop that was on the floor. "Yes, my Queen?"  
  
"Go forth and fetch me energy in the way that only you can."  
  
Haitanite thought for a second. "Fail exams and hit on women?"  
  
"NO! Go get a woman's energy when whe's in an inebriated state!"  
  
"Then you'll show me your righteous rack?"  
  
Kanako sterted to nod, then caught herself and threw Kuro at Haitanite,  
who fled the Dark Kingdom via the front door.  
  
Haitanite then emerged in front of the Hinata-Sou storage shed, which now  
sported a sign on the door - "Daaku Kinudomu no Kanako. No entry."  
  
He sighed. "That sign's going to be the death of us someday."  
  
***  
  
Keitaro continued flying through the air. "Wow, this is the longest I've  
ever flown thanks to the Naru-punch. It's almost as long as the time  
Tuxedo Ronin punched me..."  
  
He caught himself, and laughed. "That girl? Tuxedo Ronin? Yeah, right!"  
Then he frowned. "They do look a lot alike..."  
  
Right about then, gravity decided to exert its power over him, and he  
crashed into the hot springs at Hinata-sou.  
  
With the speed borne of terror, he looked around to see if he was alone   
in the baths... a few seconds later, his fear was alleviated, and he ran   
out to find some dry clothes.  
  
He made it to his room and was stripping out of his clothes when a soft  
"myuu"-ing came from the corner of his bed. He spun around.  
  
"Geez, Tama, did you _have_ do scare me like that?"  
  
The turtle sighed. "You're supposed to be the defender of the innocent!  
You can't be scared by a turtle!"  
  
"You just startled me, that's all," Keitaro said. "So was that guy I fought   
yesterday..."  
  
"One of the Shironin, yeah," Tama myuued from her comforatble spot. "His  
name was Shiraite, and before he went to work for the Enemy, he went by the  
name Shirai in your world."  
  
Keitaro's jaw dropped. "You mean I killed Shirai?"  
  
"Well, you didn't really kill him," Tama replied.  
  
Keitaro sighed in relif.  
  
"I'd say that the skewers nicked a few veins, and that giant mecha turtle  
must have liquified some of his internal organs. Your Todai Exam Surge just  
gave him tons of paper cuts."  
  
Keitaro facefaulted. "You mean he's _DEAD_?!?"  
  
"Hey, he chose to work for the Enemy. To quote Popeye, 'ya pays ye money,  
and ya takes yer chances.'"  
  
"So what did you mean by Shironin? There's four ronin?"  
  
"Yes. There's Shiraite, as you know, and I think that the next one is  
Haitanite. I'm not entirely sure, because our normally precise source  
of information -" Tama nodded to Keitaro's Magic 8-Ball - "isn't too  
forthcoming right now. All I get from it is 'ask again later.'"  
  
And with that, a knock sounded from the door. "Keitaro? Can I talk to you  
for a minute?"  
  
Tama immediately resumed her "kawaii turtle" guise, and Keitaro opened the  
door to admit Naru into his room.  
  
"Naru? Why didn't you just use the hole in the ceiling like you normally  
do?"  
  
Naru frowned at him. "Because Liddo-kun is gone, and I can't find him anywhere.  
I was wondering if you knew where he was."  
  
"Nope, no clue," Keitaro said, a look of puzzlement on his face. Tama merely  
sweatdropped.  
  
"And another thing... what was that thing yesterday?"  
  
"It was Haitani, once," Keitaro said. "I don't know what it became."  
  
"Oh." Naru frowned. "Anyways, I'mm going out. If any of the other girls who  
live here come in, don't be a pervert to them, okay?"  
  
"Okay," Keitaro replied. As Naru left, he stopped in shock. "OTHER girls?"  
  
***  
  
Haitanite stepped into a local bar - "The Mischievious Kitsune" - and sat  
down. "Oh, man, my boss is going to _kill_ me," he muttered.  
  
The bartender grunted in sympathy and passed him a Yebisu.  
  
"She wants energy, pep, power, and I can't get it..." He chugged the beer,  
tasting it all the way down. "And to make it worse..." He looked around the  
bar, which, while being midday, wasn't empty. There was a brown-haired girl  
in the back, boozing it up, and next to her was a purple-haired beauty with -   
Haitanite boggled at the sight - a rack that rivalled - no, surpassed - Queen  
Kanako's!   
  
His mind raced at the speed of plaid, and he immediately got up and went over   
to them...  
  
***  
  
A few hours later, back at Hinata-sou...  
  
Keitaro swept.  
  
He didn't sweep, though - he _swept_.  
  
But before the scene could change to that of _Sancho_, Haitanite stumbled  
in, the brown-haired girl and purple-haired woman on his arms. "Gwee hee hee...  
these two've got tonsh of drunken energy to feed the Queen..." He hiccuped.  
"And you've got a rack to matsch, Mi... Mis... babe."  
  
Keitaro stared in shock, both at Misato and then at the brunette. "Haitani,  
what the _HELL_ are you doing?"  
  
"I'm getting shome..." Haitanite hiccupped again, this time sending Misato and  
the brunette into a fit of giggles. "Energy..."  
  
"Energy!" Keitaro's face exploded into shock. "That's what... he's one of...  
oh, no, I can't kill another one of my friends!"  
  
"Thanksh for the energy, tootsh!" Haitanite giggled out as Misato collapsed to  
the ground, unconscious. "Too bad the Queen'sh promished me a look at her goodsh  
when i get back... I'd like a look at yoursh a lot more..."  
  
Keitaro dashed out of the room, and when he turned the corner... "Todai Ronin Power,  
Make UP!"  
  
And with another mind-boggling flash of ILM special effects (which we couldn't pay  
for, so they repossessed my car), Keitaro turned into Sailor Senpai. He dashed back  
to where Haitanite was about to open up Misato's shirt...  
  
"Stop!"  
  
Haitanite turned...  
  
"I'm Sailor Senpai, and you've violated more than just the laws of good taste by  
drinking before noon and working for the Enemy! In the name of Todai... I'll punish  
you!"  
  
Haitanite flanged at the sight. "You're... the most beautiful shight... I've ever   
sheen in my life..."  
  
Senpai sweatdropped. "WHAT?"  
  
"Come here, babe, and punish me!" With that, the (exceedingly) drunk-off-his-ass  
Haitanite began to chase after Sailor Senpai, who dodged out of his way every time   
and then ran towards the hot springs.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Elliot Ness and his Untouchables weren't speeding towards Capone's hideout, because  
they'd been dead for about 60 years or so.  
  
But Sailors Mecha and Shefu were watching, and they were thinking.  
  
"Should we go help Senpai?"  
  
"No, this is too funny. Besides... ooh, turtle!"  
  
And with that, Tama, who'd been watching the pair of senshi, flew off with Sailor  
Mecha in hot pursuit.  
  
"Turtle SOUP!"  
  
"Kyaa, Mecha, leave it alone!"  
  
***  
  
About ten minutes later, Haitanite was still chasing Senpai around the grounds  
of Hinata-Sou. We're still in a stalemate here, so let's move to something else,  
shall we?   
  
Oh, wait a minute.  
  
Haitanite stumbled and tripped forwards, catching Sailor Senpai by his leg, and  
bringing him to the ground. Senpai tried to kick loose, but Haitanite... well,  
let's just say that he was trying to get a good look at Keitaro's goods.  
  
Elsewhere, Tama flew into the living room, and landed smack on the lap of the   
brunette, who was still conscious - despite the incredible amount of sake she'd  
had.  
  
"You... hey, I know you!" Tama muttered to herself.  
  
"Hey, the turtle'sh talking!" Kitsune giggled and batted at the air. "That shake  
wash shome shtrong shtuff..."  
  
"Great. Just great. The second senshi I wake up's typecast," Tama groaned, and  
did her backflip to pull a henshin pen out of Turtlespace.  
  
Kitsune grabbed the pen. "Ooh, kinky. I didn't think that the turtle wash into   
shex toysh."  
  
Tama sweatdropped. Amidst the screams from outside, she managed to belt out to  
Kitsune that she could transform into a Sailor Senshi. Kitsune, meanwhile, grinned  
and made a snide comment about how the schoolgirl fuku could seduce wealthy old men,  
and Tama smacked her upside the head and told her to get out there and help Sailor  
Senpai.  
  
"Sexy Sake Power, Make UP!"  
  
And with that, Mitsune Konno (a.k.a. Kitsune) transformed into Sailor Sake.  
  
***  
  
The reader facefaulted.  
  
Feel free to do so now.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, Haitanite had finally managed to pull down Senpai's skirt, and he then  
placed his hand over...  
  
Haitanite blinked. "That shouldn't be there." He tried again. "Okay, that's just  
weird."  
  
"Do you _MIND_?" Senpai shrieked.  
  
Haitanite let go immediately. "Geez, what the hell are you, a Sailor Starlight?"  
  
"No! I'm Sailor Senp..."  
  
"Stunning Sexy FLASH!"  
  
With that, Haitanite immediately fixed his gaze on Sailor Sake, whose... erm...  
assets... were bared for Haitanite to see.  
  
Senpai started to nosebleed, but just then a breeze of sakura blossoms blew through,  
and a piano version of "Sakura Saku" started playing in the background. Haitanite  
looked around for the cause, and Sailor Sake quickly pulled her top back down.  
  
"You can't forget a promise just because a lifetime has gone by. You must remember  
it, and draw strength from it, in order to triumph over adversity." Tuxedo Ronin  
leapt down from the roof of Hinata-Sou, but lost her balance halfway down...  
  
Haitanite caught her with one hand on her shoulders, which was fine by her...  
but the other hand was under her rear, which was _not_ okay in her mind.  
  
"You... baka..." Senpai and Sake stepped back and started praying.  
  
"KONO ECCHI!" Ronin charged up her attack and let fly. "Ronin PUUUUUUUUUNCH!"  
When she let fly with her attack, Haitanite flew as well, and the end result was  
twice as painful as what Shiraite felt. He went through his requisite LEO, and  
when he landed, Sailor Senpai was ready.  
  
"Todai... Exam... SURGE!"  
  
The thousands of exams flew forth, shredding Haitanite's skin, bones, and various   
internal organs, and thus turning him into a puddle of Shironin soup amidst his  
final cry of "HOOTERS!"  
  
Sailor Sake made her discreet exit, and Tuxedo Ronin turned to Sailor Senpai.  
"You're the promised one to her, you know. You can't let the promise be broken."  
  
"What?" Senpai's face was one of puzzlement.  
  
Ronin sighed. "Don't you understand? You and I are supposed to find the Promised  
Ones, join them together, and complete the Yakusoku. When the Yakusoku is finished  
there will be an eternity of love for those two, and their love will influence the  
world around them for the better."  
  
Sailor Senpai shrugged. "And who are the Promised Ones?"  
  
"I don't know. I was hoping you did."  
  
Senpai facefaulted.  
  
And with that, Tuxedo Ronin gently kissed Sailor Senpai on his cheek, then leapt  
into the air and disappeared.  
  
Keitaro detransformed and walked into the house, gently touching his hand to the spot  
where Tuxedo Ronin had kissed him... and walked right into Sailor Sake... while she  
was detransforming.  
  
He fell back, and stared in astonishment. "You're Sailor Sake?"  
  
Kitsune grinned unconfortably. "Eh, fu fu fu... yeah, that's me. I'm Konno Mitsune,  
but you can call me..."  
  
"Kitsune!" Naru ran down the stairwell and into the room. "Keitaro, this is Kitsune.  
She's another tenant here."  
  
"And another Sailor Senshi," Keitaro thought to himself. "Yakusoku..." he muttered.  
  
"Hmm? You say something, kanrinrin?" Kitsune said, still somewhat drunkenly.  
  
"No, nothing," Keitaro replied through a haze of thought, missing the frown on Naru's  
face.  
  
***  
  
And back in the Dark Storage Shed... erm, Dark Kingdom...  
  
To say that Queen Kanako was furious was an understatement.  
  
She was _righteously pissed_. Only one person's energy wouldn't power her  
machinations of evil, and she'd yet to find out who that Tuxedo Ronin was.  
But her next plan...  
  
"Saraite, come forth!" And Saraite, a little blond girl about ten years old,  
did step forth.  
  
Kanako glowered at her. "You're going to replace Shiraite and Haitanite. They  
failed, and they were useless. You'd better not fail me, or you'll end up like   
them!"  
  
"Very well, my queen," Saraite said, dropping to one knee. "Anything to ensure the  
fall of Keitaro Urashima!"  
  
"NO!" Kanako bellowed. "Leave onii-san out of this! If you hurt him..."  
  
Saraite pouted cutely. "Aww, but he's such a spaz..."   
  
"Don't hurt him, whatever you do. However, feel free to kill Tuxedo Ronin. And   
while you're at it... find out who Sailor Senpai is. I have the oddest feeling  
he's someone I know... and there's just something about him that makes me feel so  
warm, so safe, so loved..."  
  
Saraite nodded, then dropped her giant mask over her head and faded to nothingness  
in a manner much like Chichiri, but different enough to avoid a lawsuit from Watase Yu.  
  
**********  
  
Next time, on OVSDHH:ACTSNB...  
  
-Saraite invades Hinata-sou!  
  
-Liddite returns from his exile in America!  
  
-Kanako broods even more!  
  
-More pointless Kitsune fanservice attacks!  
  
-And of course, more Keitaro in a sailor fuku!  
  
**********  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES  
  
Damn, I thought that this was gonna be a one-shot, but apparently, I was wrong.  
Besides, it's just too fun to write Keitaro in a seifuku, and besides, I've not  
explored half the ideas I have for this series yet.  
  
Secondly, if anyone still wants to take this and run with it, go for it. I'm going  
to continue this, and then who knows what?  
  
And I know you all might think this is a bit rushed, but hey, is it good? I don't know  
myself, seeing as how I've not gotten sleep in the past 48 hours, so...  
  
And wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles, I'm actually ahead of schedule! I promised  
that you'd have this by next Friday night, and I put it out a week ahead of schedule!  
Hot diggity damn!  
  
Ja ne,  
Tuxedo Jack  
  
March 7th, 2003 


	3. In which panty flashes abound, much to t...

"His concept was a little weak today." - Kishi Asako  
  
***********  
  
Tuxedo Jack and Craptacularly Spignificant Productions present  
  
-the meaning to life/a flying circus/a complete waste of time  
(take your pick)-   
  
-with apologies to Akamatsu and Takeuchi-  
  
Over-Violent Student Double Hail Hina:  
A Crossover that Should Never Be  
PART 3!  
  
***********  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LH or BSSM. This disclaimer is copied and  
pasted as needed, except for this bit. Or is it? I don't know myself.  
  
This branches off from the LH and BSSM timelines a whole hurkin'  
lot, so bear with me.  
  
***********  
  
Previously on Twenty-four... er, OVSDHH:ACTSNB...  
  
-Keitaro transformed into Sailor Senpai... again...  
-The reason for Queen Kanako's Dark Storage Shed was revealed  
-Haitanite learned that when you get drunk, anything in a fuku can  
spike your interest, much to his eventual dismay  
  
And now, we continue with this series of dubious quality...  
  
***********  
  
"So, Keitaro, you've killed yet another one of your friends," Tama  
myuued at him. "Don't worry about it."  
  
"Easy for you to say," Keitaro groused. "You're not the one who's now  
a lone ronin."  
  
Kitsune snickered. "Hey, there's always Naru. You two could hook up."  
  
Keitaro's eyes bulged and he almost sweatdropped at the suggestion.  
"No way! She's vicious, violent, and vulgar!" He mumbled something  
else under his breath that Kitsune only partially caught.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Nothing..."  
  
Tama smiled. "He said, and I quote, 'Judging by the underwear she wears,  
I'd die of blood loss.'"  
  
Kitsune burst out into gales of laughter, while Keitaro blushed beet-red  
and nearly passed out.  
  
"You think hers is risque? I should show you mine!"  
  
Keitaro did pass out that time.  
  
***  
  
Downstairs, Naru answered a knock at the door. "Oh, hey. Did you forget  
your keys or something?"  
  
Shinobu blushed. "No... I just went out to get something, and Suu went  
with me, but she had the keys, and now she's off somewhere, and I couldn't get  
in."  
  
Naru shrugged. "Don't worry about it. At least that pervert bastard didn't get  
to you."  
  
Shinobu's eyes widened. "Pervert? Who?"  
  
"That new kanrinrin we've got. He - OOF!" Naru suddenly realized two things.  
One: When the wind was knocked out of you, it hurt to move. Two: That the weight  
of a small girl can be a lethal projectile if used correctly.  
  
"Kyaa, Suu, get off of Naru-senpai!" Shinobu then blinked. "Wait, how did you  
get inside anyways?"  
  
"I used the magical mystical back door thing!" Suu beamed, and Naru sweatdropped.  
  
***  
  
"So you sent Saraite to infiltrate Hinata-sou?" Kuro said, moving his  
paw off his bishop.  
  
Kanako nodded. "The results should be quite good. The end of Tuxedo Ronin,  
the capture of onii-sama, and the power of the Yakusoku twisted to meet my  
ends." She moved her queen, and promptly took Kuro's knight.  
  
"Just like Shiraite and Haitanite got the energy you needed to summon forth  
the hordes of demons that only that kendo girl could get through?" He moved  
a rook to counter the queen.  
  
Kanako frowned. "They were failures, both at getting into Todai and being evil  
henchmen. Number 347 was better." She threw a bishop of hers in to protect the  
queen.  
  
Kuro smiled. "Yet you led them on, and they failed miserably." He clicked a pawn  
down on the square where Kanako's queen was. "Checkmate."  
  
She looked over the board in astonishment, and he was right. She hadn't a single  
move left.  
  
"How'd you do that?"  
  
"The same way you come up with your evil plots. Practice."  
  
***  
  
Keitaro awoke.  
  
Now, it wasn't odd that he awoke; he did that every morning. But he awoke  
with his head on something unusually soft and comfortable, and he saw a pair  
of dark eyes staring into his.  
  
"Oh, good, you're awake," the vision said, her short dark hair whirling around  
her head. "Naru-senpai! He's up!"  
  
Keitaro shuddered. To deal with Naru so soon after passing out... well...  
having to deal with her while awake was one thing. Doing so while semiconscious  
was infinitely worse.  
  
He shifted as if to get up. The girl shook her head. "No, senpai, just rest.  
You've lost a lot of blood. That nosebleed you had must have been a gusher."  
She blushed. "I'm Shinobu, by the way. Maehara Shinobu."  
  
As she said that, the small - yet lethal - weight of Kaolla Suu landed on  
Keitaro's stomach. "And I'm Suu! Wanna play?" Without waiting for a response,  
she turned to the doorway. "Mecha-Tama, GO!"  
  
The giant mechanical turtle promptly sparked, plotzed, and crashed through   
the floor.  
  
Suu sweatdropped. "Whoops."  
  
Keitaro moaned. "Great. Just great. I bet that the next thing I find out is   
that I've got to give up my room to some new tenant or something."  
  
"Ara ara, do you think that this is a doujinshi or something?"  
  
Keitaro turned towards the doorway, where a stunningly beautiful raven-haired  
woman was making her way around the hole left by the Mecha-Tama. The real  
Tama rested on her head with a contented smile.  
  
"Oh, boy," Keitaro sighed. "Another person to clean up after."  
  
"Not me, actually," the woman said. "I live down the block, and I'm just   
visiting for a minute. My name is Otohime Mutsumi, and I'm from Okinawa."  
  
***  
  
Urashima Haruka took another drag on her cigarette. "So, you're asking me to  
watch this kid for you while you go off to some far-off country to do a dig?"  
  
"That's right!" Seta said cheerfully. "Her name's Sarah MacDougal, and she's a  
real doll. You'll love her."  
  
"Right," Haruka murmured. _Maybe I can dump her on Keitaro._ "When does she get   
here?"  
  
"Right about now, actually," Seta said, looking at his watch. Just then,  
the front door of Haruka's teahouse burst open, and Saraite stormed in.  
  
"Papa, you're leaving me here?" _Gotta put up a good show or he'll get   
suspicious,_ Saraite thought. _Of course, the mind control doesn't hurt._  
  
"Yep, honey. You get to stay with Haruka and her nephew while I get stuck  
going off to some godforsaken hellhole."  
  
***  
  
Tama sighed. "So you had to give up your old room to the new girls. How   
bad could it be?"  
  
"I don't really mind that," Keitaro said, placing his shirts inside his dresser.  
"It's just that there's a hole in the ceiling, and above it is... _her_  
room."  
  
"Oh, calm down about Naru!" Tama snapped. "I admit, she's violent, but it's  
not as if she's..." Tama drifted off mid-sentence.  
  
"... Not as if she's what?"  
  
Tama shook her head. "Nothing. Listen, Keitaro, I've got to go check some   
things out." She flew out of the room.  
  
Keitaro sighed, and took off his shirt. "You'd think that the blood wouldn't   
stain it - it never did before."  
  
Just then, Naru poked her head down through the hole in the ceiling. "Hey,  
Keitaro, have you seen my Liddo-kun?"  
  
He turned. "No, I haven't seen him, Naru. Do you mind? I'm changing clothes  
here, and I don't want you clobbering me for acting like a 'pervert.'"  
  
"I hadn't thought of it, Keitaro - not until you brought it up!" Naru pulled her  
head up through the hole and then poked it back down again. "Oh, and you know  
that the practice exam is in two weeks, right?"  
  
"Of course," Keitaro blustered. "I'll do fine."  
  
Naru shrugged. "I just thought you might have wanted someone to study with."  
She pulled her head back up and disappeared through the ceiling.  
  
Keitaro just stood there. _She'd want to study with me? Why me?_ And then...  
_Oh, boy. There's no _way_..._  
  
Just then, a crash sounded from downstairs, and Keitaro dashed out. "What the hell  
was that?"  
  
"MYUU!" (1)  
  
Tama was struggling frantically to get free of the grasp of a weird creature, which  
seemed to look like a huge African tribal mask with arms and legs. The creature  
kept grabbing at the mark on Tama's back, and she kept squirming.  
  
"Oh, man, just what I didn't need, not so soon after Haitanite..." Keitaro grimaced  
at the memory of the Shironin feeling him up in his drunken stupor and shuddered   
involuntarily. "But it's to save Tama, so... Todai Ronin Power, MAKE UP!"  
  
Yadda yadda yadda, 30 second gratuitous henshin sequence with quick nude flash,  
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, Keitaro ending up in short skirt and arriving   
on the scene as Sailor Senpai, blah, blah, blah, yackity smackity.  
  
"Stop, evil villain! I'm Sailor Senpai, and I won't let you... YEOW!" Senpai  
dodged the attack the monster threw at him. "The HELL? I always got to finish  
my speeches before!"  
  
"This thing isn't a Shironin, Senpai," Tama shouted. "It's a YOUMA!"  
  
Senpai blinked. "A youma? Cool. I've always wanted to fight one." He then was promptly  
clobbered by a flying mask that the thing threw. "I didn't want to have the crap beaten  
out of me, though!"  
  
Tama flew behind a lamp. "Then attack already!"  
  
"Right!" Senpai powerposed. "Todai... Exam..." The youma threw another mask at him,  
knocking him out of his attack power-up sequence.  
  
"Yakitori Skewer!" Long skewers of roast chicken (or penguin, if you hate Pen^2-sama)  
flew through the air and embedded themselves into the youma's mask. The youma actually  
stopped its attack to take a look at the attacker, and Sailor Shefu stood in the light   
of the doorway with Sailor Mecha next to her. Shefu seemed to be holding something -   
by the (too bloody bright) light of the door, Senpai made out that it was a beautifully  
crafted Chinese cleaver. (If you've having trouble imagining this, watch "Iron Chef."  
Look at Iron Chef Chen Kenichi, and then think of his knife crossed with a gigantic  
glaive. That's kinda the image of this blade, which henceforth will be called the  
Kebab Glaive.)  
  
"Heralded by the calling of a boiling pot, I am here, appearing beautifully, Sailor Shefu!"  
  
Sailor Mecha didn't bother with a speech. She just kicked the monster in its face,  
and the monster even had a small nosebleed, since, as per the norm, she flashed her   
panties at it when she kicked. (2)  
  
As the monster fell back, it fired off a string of ribbon that caught Mecha and tied  
her up, then flung her into Shefu, knocking both Senshi out cold and making Senpai  
sweatdrop.  
  
"How the hell am I supposed to fight this thing? It's not like Haitanite or Shiraite -   
it doesn't display any human weaknesses!"  
  
"That's because it's not human, idiot!" Tama myuu-ed at him from behind the lamp.  
  
"That explains why it's not fighting like them!" Keitaro promptly jump-kicked  
the youma, who then collapsed sobbing due to the traditional panty flash it got  
from seeing Keitaro's attack.  
  
It cried and wailed for a minute, then burst into flames and exploded.  
  
Keitaro detransformed, this time flashing a full frame of nudity (sans the traditional  
black bar) and sat down on the couch. He then promptly got back up again due to the  
flaming youma guts that were all over the couch and shook off the residue on his now-clothed  
rear.  
  
************  
  
Somewhere out in reader-land, people were busily ordering barf bags for any future Keitaro  
henshin sequences.   
  
************  
  
Naru wandered into the living room. "Hey, Urashima, did you clean out the onsen yet?"  
  
Keitaro sighed. For reasons unknown, he was sitting on a freshly cleaned couch with  
one fast-asleep detransformed New Generation Senshi under each arm. However, since he didn't  
have three arms, Kitsune lay draped across his lap.  
  
Suffice it to say, Naru grew incensed.  
  
"Making moves on my best friend... _AND_ a twelve-year-old girl... and another one...  
at the SAME TIME?!?"  
  
Keitaro whimpered. "Naru-san, it's not what it looks like, believe me..."  
  
Naru drew back her fist, then let it drop. "Oh, well, I've got something that's a better   
punishment for you." She turned to the door. "Come on in!"  
  
Saraite walked through the door.  
  
The first thing that ran through Keitaro's mind was "Aww, how kawaii." Shortly after that,  
he reconsidered that, and noted that if _Naru_ said that she was better punishment than  
a Naru-punch, he should be worried.  
  
_Very_ worried.  
  
Saraite bowed and smiled. "Hey, I'm Sara. Who the hell are you?"  
  
The kanrinrin blinked. A ten-year-old cursing? He turned to look to Naru, only to find her   
scampering out the door and gigglebouncing like Mai Shiranui on a sugar high.  
  
"Oh, we're going to have _lots_ of fun. Hey, how much does this vase cost?"  
  
Keitaro moaned in agony as the vase hit the floor.  
  
"Whoops." Saraite giggled.  
************  
  
About 200 feet away in the Dark Kingd... err, Storage Shed...  
  
Queen Kanako knelt before a white altar. "Oh, great mistress, accept this humble energy  
to power our machinations of evil... and stuff."  
  
A formless black mass emerged from a bust of a strikingly beautiful woman on top of the altar.  
"You're drawing a good amount of energy, Urashima, but you'll need more for our objectives to  
be fulfilled. Perhaps it's time you made a play to open up the powers latent in the girl."  
  
Kanako shook her head. "No, that's been done. John Biles did the whole Orgasm Crystal thing to  
death. Besides, I don't want those useless things. I want onii-sama."  
  
The formless black mass sighed and shrugged. "Fine, fine, go get your older brother. By the  
gods, I would think that you'd choose someone more powerful and tasteful."  
  
"You mean you," Kanako purred.  
  
The FBM seemed to blush. "You already know my feelings towards you, Urashima. You're my  
servant, and I gave you near-immortality and incredible power in exchange for eternal  
servitude. That, and one of your nice, fluffy bagels every morning."  
  
"Oh, so you want to chew on my nice soft bagels?"  
  
The FBM didn't say anything.  
  
"Yeah, be quiet. We all know you want this." Kanako dropped the shoulder cover off her  
blouse, and the FBM immediately seemed to start blushing. "You'll get what you want...  
maybe before I get what I want, but you... you're part of what I want."  
  
The FBM dissipated quickly, and Kanako pouted. "Damn. I'd wanted to have a little... fun...  
with her." She licked her lips. "I wonder how Saraite's doing?"  
  
************  
  
Much crashing and shattering was going on in Hinata-sou.  
  
Keitaro had chased Saraite outside, and was promptly berating her with all the force of a  
righteous mother, when something in the bushes rustled...  
  
And it wasn't Suu.  
  
Keitaro immediately ran off, knowing it to be something big, evil, and scary, but Saraite  
just stood there, expecting the worst and knowing that she could beat the living shit  
out of it with her "Mask o' Death©".  
  
And what to the reader's wondering eye should appear...  
  
But an unshaven, slightly drunk, and _very_ disheveled Liddite.  
  
Saraite's eyes went wide, and she hissed at him, "What the FUCK are you doing here? I'm  
running this operation!"  
  
"Aw, shove it, toots," Liddite muttered. "I want that power, and if I get it, Queen  
Bitchy back there's gonna lay off me for a while, so I can have my holiday on Aopulco  
and 'play' with the electric soldier Porygon."  
  
Saraite shook her head. "This end of the operation is mine. You've got ten seconds to  
leave, or else..."  
  
"Do your worst, kid!" Liddite sneered. "I can outbitch you any day of the week and  
twice on Sundays!"  
  
Saraite screamed. "NARU-SENPAI! HELP! THAT PERVERT'S TRYING TO HURT ME!"  
  
Liddite blinked. He hadn't figured on that.  
  
And inside the Hinata-Sou, Keitaro heard her call instead of Naru, and he went  
through his henshin sequence (which is now completely uncensored due to massive  
protests by the fangirls) and burst through a nearby window to land on top of Liddite.  
  
"Have no fear, little girl! I, Sailor Senpai, defender of the... hey, where's the guy  
that was bothering you?"  
  
Liddite promptly threw Sailor Senpai twenty feet away in a very un-stuffed animal-ish  
manner. "Me, goddammit, and I'm Liddite, the fourth Shironin! I've been to a South Los   
Angeles high school, and I'm gonna go nuclear on your ass!"  
  
And he promptly did.  
  
For the next five minutes, Senpai was in hitherto unexperienced realms of pain as  
Liddite proceeded to inflict every possible injury he could think of on him.  
  
However, when Liddite came to the titty twister...  
  
"What the hell? Nothin's there!"  
  
Senpai took the opportunity to use his panty flash attack, which caused Liddite (and  
the readers) to collapse to the ground and start writhing in pain. He then proceeded  
to start drop-kicking Liddite all over the place like a giant stuffed kickball.  
  
"Bad squirrel!" *PUNT*  
  
"Try to preach good stuff to me, will you?" *PUNT*  
  
"You aren't going to be _MY_ friend!" *KER-WHAMMO*  
  
Liddite flew back into a tree and collapsed. Saraite stepped back in abject horror at  
the sight of the new Sailor Senpai in front of her, and she grinned.  
  
"Do it again!"  
  
And Senpai did just that.  
  
However, Liddite had apparently been playing Capcom Vs. SNK 2 while he was cleaning  
the high school's bathrooms, for he performed a fancy air counter move that sent Senpai  
back, but still in a ready position.  
  
"Todai... Exam... SURGE!"  
  
The papers flew towards Liddite, but he shrugged them off. "Ain't gonna work, buddy!  
I'm stuffed! You hear that? S-t-u-f-f-e-d! Like an Oreo!"  
  
"You shouldn't be so mean to Senpai-kun," a soft voice chimed from the rooftop nearby.  
All the people on the field looked to see who spoke, and on the roof was a woman dressed  
in - suprise, surprise, a seifuku - with tones of green and the words "ara ara" printed  
on the back.  
  
"It's just not... nice..." The Senshi fell off the roof and promptly landed on Liddite,  
crushing him, and making Senpai and Saraite sweatdrop and go SD for a second. She then woke  
up to see him under her. "Ara ara, Liddite-kun's so bold!"  
  
She stood up and pointed her finger at his head, which wasn't moving due to the fact that  
he'd just had a stunningly beautiful woman with... erm... nice watermelons... land on top  
of him.  
  
"Try to be nice from now on, all right?" She cocked her finger gun. "YAKUSOKU CANNON!"  
  
Senpai gasped at the name - and so did Tuxedo Ronin, who was sitting and observing from  
her nearby vantage point in a tree.  
  
The blast of pure, focused energy tore Liddite to pieces, and he shouted "LIQUOR!" before  
he died.  
  
Nearby, a small, non-living Liddo-kun plushie drifted into the new Senshi's arms, and she  
hugged it in a rather kawaii manner.  
  
"Thanks for the help," Senpai said to the newcomer. "So just who are you?"  
  
She turned to face him. "Ara ara, you don't know?"  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"Watashi wa Sailor Yakusoku, but you can call me Mutsumi!"  
  
At this, Saraite and Tuxedo Ronin facefaulted.  
  
Senpai just gawked.  
  
In the Dark Storage Shed, Dark Queen Kanako blinked.  
  
And in the real world, the reader plotzed.  
  
Feel free to do so now.  
  
************  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES  
  
Finally got the goddamn thing done. ^_^ A day without sleep really does wonders for the creativity,  
ne?  
  
Forgive the delays in this and the reposting of MSMT3K's host seggies. I got my hands on FF7 and   
Golden Sun 2, and I've got college finals, so I'm gonna be kinda busy until mid-May. That  
doesn't mean I'm stopping writing, though, so watch for me.  
  
Next time:  
- Senpai and Yakusoku explore the past!  
- Ronin wonders about the present!  
- And Dark Queen Kanako plots for the future!  
  
All this, more, and plotzing next time on OVSDHH:ACTSNB!  
  
Ja ne,  
  
Tuxy  
April 24th, 2003 


	4. In which the Yakusoku is explored

"Thrustmaster joysticks? Sounds kinky!"  
  
**********  
  
Tuxedo Jack  
- and -  
Craptacularly Spignificant Productions  
- present -  
  
Over-Violent Student Double Hail Hina:  
A Crossover that Should Never Be  
Part 4!  
  
**********  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina, Sailor Moon, or the  
flaming bag of dog poop that showed up on my doorstep  
last night.  
  
This still diverges from the LH/BSSM timelines. I highly  
recommend taking some Dramamine to combat the feeling of  
timeline shift.  
  
**********  
  
Previously on Trigun... err, ACTSNB...  
  
- Mutsumi was revealed to be Sailor Yakusoku  
- Liddite got the holy bejeezus beaten outta him  
- And, of course, more plotzing!  
  
Now on with the show!  
  
**********  
  
Despite Keitaro's latest expectations, the new Senshi was  
far beyond them.  
  
The raven-haired woman detransformed, giving Sailor Senpai  
a quick nude flash (and the resultant nosebleed) and appeared  
before him and the incognito Saraite as Otohime Mutsumi,   
with her kawaii smile (and large... erm, watermelons) turned  
towards him.  
  
"And out pooped Sailor Mercury," she said. "Ara ara, Kei-kun,  
how've you been?"  
  
"... Mutsumi, what the hell..."  
  
"Weren't you listening, Kei-kun?" she beamed. "I'm Sailor  
Yakusoku, keeper of the promise!"  
  
"Oh? And what makes you the promise-keeper?" Tuxedo Ronin  
said, vaulting from her perch in a nearby tree.  
  
"Well, I can use the power of the Yakusoku, and I remember  
that I made a promise to someone to go to Todai back when I  
was a child."  
  
Tuxedo Ronin facefaulted. "But then..."  
  
"Ara ara, that's right!" Mutsumi smiled towards Tuxedo Ronin.  
She then put her finger to her lip. "But I don't remember who  
I made the promise to!"  
  
The ground shook with the massive facefault that ensued.  
  
**********  
  
Elsewhere, Dark Queen Kanako was brooding.  
  
Not _breeding_, you people. Get your minds out of the gutter.  
  
Brooding. A noun. It means "to have the mind dwell   
continuously or moodily on a subject."  
  
Don't blame me, blame Akamatsu.  
  
But as I was saying, she brooded. The failures of the  
Shironin to capture Sailor Senpai or even collect  
energy for the Formless Black Mass were weighing  
heavily on her, and she didn't want to risk punishment  
from her mistress. The last time that that happened...  
She shuddered at the memory.  
  
(FLASHBACK)(FLASHBACK)(FLASHBACK)(FLASHBACK)(FLASHBACK)  
  
The FBM stared down at her, candle in hand. "Now, Urashima,  
will you continue to retrieve energy so I can take over  
this world and exorcise all demons other than myself?"  
  
Kanako merely moaned.  
  
"So be it! More hot wax for you, then!" It angled the candle  
just a little, and Kanako felt the wax dribble onto a most...  
sensitive... part of her.  
  
She shrieked.  
  
Not from agony, mind you, but from pleasure.  
  
(STORAGE SHED)(STORAGE SHED)(STORAGE SHED)(STORAGE SHED)  
  
Kanako shivered. Her mistress had made sure that she  
wouldn't fail again... no matter how much she wanted to.  
  
"SARAITE!"  
  
Kuro sighed. "She's not here, remember? You sent her inside  
Hinata-Sou to get Sailor Senpai and bring him here." He sighed.  
"I still don't believe that you want that crossdresser for  
some non-evil purpose, miya."  
  
"Quiet, you," Kanako said, smacking Kuro out of the way.  
"All I care about now is that _you_ get out there and collect  
energy, since Saraite has another mission."  
  
"Me?"  
  
"Yes, you," she muttered. "Now get out of here and go to Jyuban.  
The Senshi there will think you're just another talking cat."  
  
Kuro stalked off angrily, and Kanako returned to her  
brooding, which was soon interrupted by the Formless Black Mass  
sneaking up behind her.  
  
FBMs generally have an easy time doing that, since they  
don't have bodies. However, this one was intent on gaining  
one, and it would do pretty much anything it needed to,  
up to and including possessing things.  
  
"So, Urashima, you're going after Senpai, despite my direct  
orders to get energy?"  
  
Kanako frowned. "We need him out of the way to get energy,  
in case you hadn't noticed. He's killed two of the Shironin  
on his own and brought about the death of the fourth."  
  
The FBM seemed to shrug. "They were worthless in any case.  
Haitanite and Shiraite failed, and as such, they were  
typical men."  
  
"So what you're saying is that you'd rather be with me?"  
Kanako purred, reaching around behind her back and down  
her evil queen's robe (think a cross between the original  
Beryl's robe and the swimsuit that Ryoko normally wears.  
Basically, a black robe with blood-red slashes of color  
here and there, and quite a generous view of her cleavage.)  
to the clasp of her bra.  
  
The FBM stayed silent and still, but a giant sweatdrop  
formed where one would expect its head to be.  
  
"I thought so," Kanako grumbled. "Come back when you make up  
your mind." She snapped her fingers, and the FBM vanished.  
She then turned to the television she used to monitor the  
Shironin.  
  
Hey, you can't waste all that precious magical energy on  
friggin' crystal balls and such.  
  
**********  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Yes, it's back to Hinata-sou, where we see Saraite  
breaking things, and Naru chasing after her. Shinobu's  
running the laundry (while Suu tries to make the washer  
into some kind of super-hyper-dimensional transporter  
or something. Whatever it was, it just blew up), Kitsune's  
sleeping on the couch, and Keitaro...  
  
Hey, where _is_ Keitaro?  
  
Why, he's off with Mutsumi and Tama-chan, and they're  
painting the town red!  
  
Needless to say, Naru was quite incensed with Keitaro  
leaving Saraite with her while he went out on a date  
with Mutsumi.  
  
"Mutsumi, you can tap into the Yakusoku?"  
  
She nodded. "It's how I used that cannon to take care  
of Liddo-kun. He was the strongest of the Shironin, but  
then he and Haitanite got wasted one night and he never  
seemed to get any better."  
  
Keitaro sweatdropped. "The term Shironin... there are four,  
right?" At her nod, he continued. "We've fought Shiranite,  
Haitanite, and Liddite, so who's the fourth?"  
  
Mutsumi shrugged, and Tama myuu-ed. "No idea. Oh, Kei-kun,  
let's go in there!" She grabbed his hand and pulled him  
towards a beef bowl stand.  
  
"Five double-packed beef bowls, onegai!"  
  
Keitaro facefaulted.  
  
"I faint a lot, so I eat lots of good food to get energy,"  
Mutsumi said, following it up with a "fu fu fu" as they pulled  
up two stools and sat down.  
  
The food soon arrived, and Mutsumi dug in, polishing the  
four bowls she had ordered for herself off in the time it took  
Keitaro to finish his _one_ bowl.  
  
Tama-chan flew off halfway through the meal, claiming that  
she could sense something screwy afoot.  
  
As they left the counter and walked off into the night,  
Mutsumi spoke as she walked next to him.  
  
"Kei-kun, do you really want to find the two who made  
the promise?"  
  
Keitaro shrugged. "Well, Tama told me that Sailor Senpai  
was the one who had to protect the power of the Yakusoku,  
so I guess that means that I've got to find the people  
who made it and protect them from the Shironin as well."  
He looked up. "The trouble is, you're the only one I found.  
I dont' even have a clue who the other one is."  
  
Mutsumi slid her arms around his arm. "Kei-kun, you found   
me. Finding me will be fine. The other one will come forward  
soon enough. They'll remember eventually."  
  
He blushed, but relaxed as she placed her head on his shoulder.  
They walked on under the silver moon in silence - Keitaro  
contemplating what she had said, Mutsumi taking comfort in   
being near him.  
  
**********  
  
"Where the hell did that brat go?" Naru panted, leaning over  
and placing her hands on her knees.  
  
_She ran so fast! It's not like she's a friggin' demon, but  
still, no normal human can move like that!_  
  
"Um, senpai?"  
  
Naru looked to the stairs and saw Su and Shinobu standing there.  
Each carried a pen, and both looked concerned.  
  
"Need help with your homework, you two?"  
  
Shinobu shook her head. "We're going out for a little while,  
okay? Don't lock us out, please."  
  
Su nodded. "Shinobu said she'd get some bananas!" She grinned  
evilly. "Suu can find many, many uses for bananas, and not all  
like you'd think, either."  
  
Shinobu blushed furiously. "Kyaa, Mecha, not now!"  
  
Naru blinked twice.  
  
**********  
  
All the Shinobu/Su fanboys immediately spouted nosebleeds.  
  
Those of us who read Chibiusa's 7th Birthday immediately  
grew nauseated and thwapped the author about the head.  
  
The author sighed and proceeded to speak.  
  
"No, this isn't Shinobu/Suu yuri. Shinobu has a crush  
on Keitaro in the manga and anime, and I'm leaving it  
at that. You readers can make your own implications  
if you wish."  
  
The gods of writing promptly slapped the author for  
blatantly ripping off Andrew Huang.  
  
The author sweatdropped and continued.  
  
**********  
  
Despite the reader's expectations, there was _not_ a youma  
in this episode to deal with the panty flashes from Sailor  
Senpai.  
  
Youma Local Union number 42 sighed in relief.  
  
**********  
  
Mutsumi and Keitaro reached the stairs leading up to Hinata-Sou,  
and as they walked up them, Mutsumi pulled herself closer to  
Keitaro.  
  
"Kei-kun, do you think that the Promised Ones will be found soon?"  
  
He sighed. "I don't know, Mutsumi. If they are, they are; if not,  
they're not. There's nothing I can do about it but defend Hinata-sou  
from those Shironin and youma." He blinked. "Though I wonder  
why they're targeting it and the girls there..."  
  
They reached the top of the stairs and stepped under the  
temple-ish arch. Mutsumi leaned up to Keitaro and gently  
kissed him, and for a second, he responded...  
  
And a white glow began to surround them.  
  
**********  
  
In the Dark Storage Shed...  
  
Queen Kanako shook off her funk and stepped outside for  
some fresh air. "Dammit, I have to install some vents  
in there."  
  
She turned to see the pair under the arch, and the aura   
around them.  
  
"NO! They can't be... not this soon... there's no way..."  
  
And then it registered that it was _Keitaro_ kissing  
_someone else_.  
  
Suffice it to say, Kanako was _pissed_. She thought about  
charging towards them, kidnapping Keitaro, and killing   
anyone who dared come near them, but then she realized that   
since a good 95% of crimes that occur in Japan are solved,  
that would be a _bad_ thing.  
  
So she decided to let her minions take care of it for her.  
  
She slipped back into the storage shed quietly, sat down in  
her throne, and called on the power of the FBM to reanimate  
Liddite.  
  
The plushie blinked. "The hell? Where the fu -"  
  
Kanako smacked him. "Shut up. You screw up this time, and  
I'll send you to hell myself. Screw the reincarnation, you're  
getting torment."  
  
Liddite immediately fell silent.  
  
"Since you're reincarneted now, you won't have the results  
of that nasty drinking binge you did with Haitanite, and  
you're stronger, faster, and smarter, though I'm still  
doubtful on the last one."  
  
"You mind? I'm in the room!"  
  
"Oh, and I made you lust after men now. That way you won't  
be disgusted if Sailor Senpai shows up and you get a  
panty flash."  
  
Liddite sweatdropped.  
  
"You've got a new mission. I want you to kidnap Keitaro  
Urashima and bring him here without letting the residents  
of the Hinata-sou find out about it. Saraite's going to  
help you on this one, and you tell her that I don't  
care if it blows her cover there."  
  
Liddite bowed and made his way out of the shed with an  
aura of power that he hadn't had for months.  
  
The FBM came up behind Kanako. "You're kidnapping him  
now? Why would you do that?"  
  
"You'll see, puppet, you'll see."  
  
**********  
  
Saraite was crouched in one of the many secret passages in the  
Hinata-sou when she felt something tingling in her mind.  
  
_Saraite!_  
  
"Yes, my queen?"  
  
_You've got a new mission._  
  
"And?"  
  
_You're going to kidnap oniisama and bring him to me._  
  
"WHAT?" She quickly quieted down so that Naru wouldn't hear her   
and come try to kill her for reading through her diary. "But  
that'll blow my cover!"  
  
_So be it. After I get him, we're done. Liddite's going  
to help you on this mission._  
  
"I thought he was killed."  
  
_Reincarnation does wonders._  
  
"FIne, fine. I'll get on it." She sighed and felt the   
telepathic link break. "Joy. I've got to capture a klutzy   
spaz for a lusty queen and fend off Senshi with only the aid  
of a drunken... whatever the hell he is."  
  
She slipped out of the passage and landed in the front yard.  
Saraite saw Mutsumi and Keitaro, and she blinked at what she  
saw... but she moved forward, oblivious to Liddite hovering   
overhead.  
  
**********  
  
Mutsumi broke the kiss and stared in shock. "Nothing."  
  
Keitaro blinked. "What?"  
  
"I don't believe it. I didn't sense anything at all."  
She gesticulated wildly. "We had the white aura, and   
I can tap into the Yakusoku... there should have been  
a completion!"  
  
Keitaro just stared. "What are you talking about?"  
  
Mutsumi fainted.  
  
Keitaro sweatdropped. "Why me, God?"  
  
"Because you're perpetually cursed," Saraite said, sneaking  
up to him and tugging on his hand.  
  
"Oh, it's you. What do you want now, to break another vase?"  
  
"No, I just have something cool to show you." Saraite smiled,  
and this time it had a vaguely kawaii glint to it.  
  
Keitaro shook his head in despair. "All right, all right,  
I'll come look at it."  
  
He and Saraite headed off towards the Dark Storage Shed.  
  
_Mission accomplished, your highness,_ Saraite thought.  
_Now I just need Liddite to keep them off my back for a  
while... while I kick this poor bastard in the nuts!_  
  
She cackled evilly, and Keitaro winced.  
  
"Do you have to do that? It sounds like Naga all over again."  
  
Sara sweatdropped.  
  
**********  
  
Liddite swooped down. "Now I'm gonna take care of that  
dame as payback!" He snorted. "Yakusoku Cannon my ass."  
  
"Oh, no, you're not!"  
  
He turned and look down at the bottom of the stairs,  
and his eyes grew wide.  
  
A giant Mecha-Tama was rushing towards him at incredible  
speed, and atop it were Shinobu and Su, the former holding  
on for dear life and the latter giggling madly.  
  
"Shefu Skillet Power, MAKE UP!"  
  
"Mecha Construction Power, MAKE UP!"  
  
Liddite sighed. "Life really sucks."  
  
And then Sailor Shefu swung her Kebab Glaive at him,  
and he casually batted it away, sending her flying into  
a nearby wall.  
  
Sailor Shefu immediately started crying.  
  
Mecha struck a powerpose. "In the name of justice...  
and bananas... I'll punish you for making Shefu cry!"  
  
Liddite snapped his fingers, and a bowl of stewed turtle  
appeared next to Mecha. She yelped in delight and began to  
dine.  
  
Liddite smirked. "It's almost too easy."  
  
Just then, sakura petals began to drift through the  
yard where they were, and Liddite looked around in confusion.  
  
"I'm not going to bother with speeches this time,"  
Tuxedo Ronin said. She leapt down from a nearby tree and  
grabbed Liddite. "Where's Sailor Senpai?"  
  
Liddite shrugged. "Beats the hell outta me. I'd expected  
him to show up myself, but he isn't here... so I'll  
just have to kill you!" He fired a blast at Ronin's  
stomach, causing het to drop him and roll around on  
the ground.  
  
"Stunning Sexy FLASH!"  
  
Sailor Sake leapt out from a corner of the yard, and  
her current attire left nothing to the imagination.  
  
The plushie laughed. "Your gifts no longer interest me,  
Sailor Sake! You've got no power over me since the Dark  
Queen made me yaoi!"  
  
Sailor Sake blinked twice, shrugged, and went back  
inside the house.  
  
Tuxedo Ronin sweatdropped, and Liddite went back to  
pounding her... until she managed to throw him into  
a tree. He gasped. "That hurt!"  
  
"This will hurt worse," Ronin growled. "WHERE'S  
SAILOR SENPAI?" She pulled back her fist.  
  
Liddite blinked. "You think you can hurt me?"  
  
"RONIN PUNCH!" She socked him.  
  
Hard.  
  
In the mommy-daddy button.  
  
Liddite doubled over and began screaming.  
  
Ronin blew on her fist. "Gets them every time."  
She turned down to Liddite, who was groaning in  
pain. "Now WHERE IS HE?"  
  
"Never!"  
  
"RONIN PUUUUUNCH!"  
  
**********  
  
Saraite led Keitaro into the Shed. "Here you go, your Highness,  
your oniisama."  
  
Kanako squealed with glee. "ONIISAMA!"  
  
Keitaro blinked. "Kanako-chan? What's going on here?"  
  
"Now I can... and... oh, wow, I've finally got oniisama in  
my clutches!" Kanako was almost completely giddy by now.  
  
Saraite sighed. "I'm going to bed. Oh, Keitaro - this is  
for you." She kicked him in the nuts, and he went down.  
  
Kanako stopped laughing and immediately grew furious.  
"SARAITE! What have you done to my poor oniisama?"  
Kanako knelt next to Keitaro and leaned in close. "You...  
you _hurt_ oniisama."  
  
Saraite gulped. "Um, your highness, I..."  
  
Kanako was calm now, and emitting an unholy fire that  
was the color of slightly dried blood. "You. _Hurt._  
_ONIISAMA._"  
  
Saraite was looking around frantically for an exit  
when Kanako raised her hand and fired off a giant  
ball of energy. It completely enveloped the Shironin,  
and Saraite screamed once before being disintegrated.  
  
Her mask fell to the floor with a soft clutter.  
  
Kanako fell next to Keitaro, and immediately tried to  
pull his hands away from his injured parts. "Oniisama,  
are you all right? Are you okay? Should I kiss it better?"  
  
Keitaro immediately developed a slight nosebleed.  
"Um, no, sis, I think I'll be going now." He got up, turned  
towards the door...  
  
"I can't let you do that, Keitaro," Kanako muttered,  
rising from her position on the floor.  
  
"What?"  
  
She advanced on him with a seductive gait. "I want you.  
Do you understand that? _I_ _want_ _you._"  
  
Keitaro broke free. "Sorry, no thanks. There's someone  
else." He stepped back a bit. "Hey, how'd you hurt Sara  
anyways?"  
  
She threw up her hand as if to fire another bolt like she  
did at Saraite. "I stumbled upon this storage shed ages ago,  
when I was trying to place a camera in your room. I opened  
it, thinking you might be hiding in here, and that... that  
was when _it_ came to me."  
  
"It?"  
  
"The Formless Black Mass." Keitaro could hear the capitals  
on it. "It's given me power, the power I need to get you for  
myself, and all in exchange for the power of someone else's  
promise!"  
  
Keitaro blinked. "Promise... YAKUSOKU!" He ran for the door, and  
Kanako fired some kind of magic that pinned a nearby youma to the  
wall. _Oh, crap, she's trying to tangle me up! I can't fight this  
like I am, but if she sees me transform... Oh, man..._  
  
He dodged a second bolt, and this time, he tripped and fell.  
Keitaro looked up to see Kanako standing over him, a positively  
eeeeeeevil smile on her lips.  
  
"I've got no choice!" Keitaro stood up.  
  
"That's right," Kanako purred. "You're mine now, and you  
can't do anything about it." She laid her hand on his shoulder,  
and he jerked back.  
  
"Sorry, 'nee-chan, I've got things to do." He pulled back  
and thrust his hand into the air. "Todai Ronin Power..."  
  
Kanako's eyes widened.  
  
"MAKE UP!"  
  
The henshin sequence began, and Kanako was treated to the  
sight of Keitaro naked for a half-second before he reappeared  
in his sailor fuku.  
  
"I fight for passing exams! I fight for promises!" Keitaro  
powerposed. "I'm Sailor Senpai! And in the name of Todai..."  
He pointed at Kanako. "I'll punish you!"  
  
"Oh, punish me, oniisama, YES!"  
  
Senpai sweatdropped. "Not again."  
**********  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES  
  
Personal  
  
Oy. That's all I can say: oy.  
  
Well, I turned 19. Whoopdy-friggin'-do. Now to deal with college  
and finals!  
  
Professional  
  
That's part 4 under the belt. I've planned out the next 2 episodes,  
but that's going to be it for this series. I'll still write Love Hina  
stuff, and I'll still write Sailor Moon stuff, but this, which was once  
a oneshot, will be officially closed.  
  
MSMT3K epsode 206 is still in the works. Episodes 207-210 will be the  
six worst lemons ever written - Artemis' Lover, Black Day, Chibiusa's  
7th Birthday, ami-chan.txt, minako.txt, and mako.txt. You really don't  
want to know how I obtained these. It took 2 years, but I've got them  
all, and they're all unedited.  
  
God help the poor bastards in the theater.  
  
I've also got some song satires to upload, and a bunch of stuff  
that I wrote while I was at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo's  
barbecue cookoff a while back, plus one I wrote on a golf trip to  
Louisiana (Blame my father. I don't play golf.)  
  
Finally, thanks to everyone for reviewing, and a special thanks  
to TrueC for giving me an eeeeeeeevil idea about the Formless  
Black Mass. You'll see how it shapes up in future episodes.  
  
Until then,  
  
Ja ne!  
  
Tuxy  
May 1st, 2003 


	5. In which Keitaro nosebleeds, is cloned, ...

"Kitto, ichiban yaritai, koto, honto wa shitetta, funzuketeru   
suni ka demo dekiru sa JYANPU!"  
  
Five will get me ten that no one gets that quote.  
  
**********  
  
Tuxedo Jack and Craptacularly Spignificant Productions prenent  
  
- with apologies to Takuechi and Akamatsu -  
  
Over-Violent Student Double Hail Hina  
A Crossover that Should Never Be  
Part 5!  
  
**********  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the series mentioned herein. I   
certainly don't own that busload of drunken frat guys  
who just happened to show up at that theater last week.  
(It's not my fault. Really, it isn't.)  
  
This still diverges from the BSSM/LH timelines. I don't  
think you want to deal with the dealings of mucking around  
in the possibilities of timeline fusion. It's not pretty.  
_ Besides, the probability factors are a pain to deal  
with, especially when you try to get two Narusegawas to   
kiss each other.  
  
**********  
  
Last time on ACTSNB:  
  
- Keitaro was captured by the Dark Storage Shed's forces!  
- Liddite was resurrected and Saraite was killed.  
- Kanako discovered Keitaro's secret! Worry!  
  
And now, on with the show!  
  
Episode 5:  
"I'll Go Anywhere for You!"  
  
**********  
  
Keitaro sighed.  
  
He wasn't tired, nor was he exasperated.  
  
And for once, it wasn't because Naru was beating the living  
crap out of him.  
  
No, it was because he was tied down by his wrists and  
ankles to an extremely confortable bed. Said bed was  
currently in the possession of the rulers of the Dark   
Storage Shed, Dark Queen Kanako and the Formless Black   
Mass.  
  
Keitaro sighed again. While the sheets - dark red silk -  
were soft and smooth, he felt that he'd much rather be  
somewhere else, especially since the silk was having the  
expected effect on him.  
  
"'Nee-chan? You mind letting me loose?"  
  
In the next room over, Kanako shook her head and sprayed  
herself with a quick mist of perfume - "Eau de Seductive."  
"Sorry, oniisama, but you're here for two purposes, and  
the Formless Black Mass isn't going to let you go." She  
grinned wickedly. "Besides, you're going to have a little  
_fun_ while we're here."  
  
Keitaro's nose started to dribble blood, and Kanako slipped  
in and placed a tissue under it. "Oniisama, don't worry.  
It won't hurt... much."  
  
It was then that Keitaro noticed what Kanako was wearing,  
and he promptly spewed a gusher of blood from his nose and  
passed out.  
  
Kanako sighed and stretched, making her dark red lace teddy   
(which, quite frankly, made her even more of a knockout  
than normal) stretch, her loose black chiffon robe billow,   
and, in general, become nearly transparent in some areas.  
  
"Poor oniisama. I might have to dig out those books on  
acupuncture soon."  
  
*****  
"RONIN PUUUUUNCH!"  
  
Liddite was sobbing now, not even trying to gain his dignity.  
Tuxedo Ronin stood there, her fist still curled into a ball,  
and she kept drawing it back.  
  
"Are you going to tell me _NOW?_"  
  
Liddite merely whimpered, and Ronin sighed.  
  
"You really like pain, don't you?" She drove her fist towards  
him, but then stopped. "I have a better idea." She turned to the  
now not-crying Sailor Shefu. "Hey, you! Come on over here!"  
  
Shefu complied, bring the still-dining Sailor Mecha with her in  
one hand and her Kebab Glaive in the other. "Yes, Tuxedo-senpai?"  
  
Ronin blinked. To her, it was almost as if she knew Shefu from  
somewhere, but it kinda put her off, especially since Shefu was  
carrying a froody glaive, and not many Senshi carried weapons  
of any sort (unless you counted Uranus and her Space Sword...  
or Chi, Phi, and Pluto with their staffs... or... okay, I'll  
stop here). As is, Shefu's style of speaking was kind of suspicious.  
  
"Tuxedo-senpai?" Shefu sounded on the brink of tears again. "Um,  
what do you want me to do to Liddite?"  
  
Ronin grinned. "I think it's time that we did something fun."  
She laid Liddite up against a tree. "Okay, buddy, tell us where  
they went."  
  
Liddite shook his head. Despite his incredible pain, he still  
resisted. "No!"  
  
Ronin smirked. "I'll rip 'em off."  
  
Liddite blinked. He clearly hadn't considered that. "They're  
not far off!"  
  
"Aaau, where are they?" This time, it was Shefu talking. "Tell  
us where Senpai-senpai is..." She blinked. That sounded weird.  
"Or I'll cut 'em off!" She swung her Kebab Glaive at him, and  
he flinched.  
  
"THE DARK STORAGE SHED!" Liddite was clearly terrified now.  
  
"Wai! Now tell us who took him, or Suu-chan's gonna crush them!"  
Mecha grinned, and was suddenly no longer transformed.  
  
Liddite smirked. "That doesn't scare me! She's been pounding on  
them for a good hour now!" He leapt up and scampered up the tree  
(hey, he is a stuffed squirrel). "You can't catch me!"  
  
Sailor Shefu immediately started crying. "Aaaau, Suu-chan, when  
you did that it helped him!"  
  
"Gomen," Suu said, putting her hand on the back of her head and  
sweatdropping. "But Shinobu-chan, at least we know where Senpai-san  
is!"  
  
Shefu immediately broke down into full-fledged Usagi-waterworks  
crying. "AAAAU! Now they know who I really am!"  
  
Ronin blinked. "You two are Sailor Senshi?"  
  
"Hai, Ronin-sempai," Sailor Shefu said, and threw her Kebab Glaive  
at Liddite, pinning him to the tree. However, since the Glaive  
had two prongs, it merely pinned him to the tree and didn't impale  
him.  
  
Damn, and I so wanted squirrel stew.  
  
I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Jesus, now PETA's going to be on my ass   
about this just like when they went after Iron Chef Kobe when he  
beat a dead octopus with a daikon radish.  
  
But back to the story.  
  
Shefu detransformed, and there standing before Tuxedo Ronin was  
the inseparable pair of Shinobu and Suu. "Gomen nasai, Ronin-senpai!  
We should have told you sooner, but it helps if we don't tell  
people our secret identities!"  
  
Of course, since Shefu had detransformed, the Glaive had   
disappeared, and Liddite wriggled free of the tree. "Dammit! This  
time, you're all toast!" A huge blast of dark squirrely energy  
formed at his... paws, or whatever the hell they are. (He's a  
plushie. It beats the hell out of me.) He turned towards the  
two detransformed Senshi, and prepared to let fly.  
  
Ronin leapt in front of them and shielded them with her cape,  
but she knew it wouldn't be enough...  
  
"YAKUSOKU CANNON!"  
  
The blast of pure white energy caught Liddite in his midsection,  
lifted him up, and threw him about fifteen feet. He lay there,   
looking for all the world to be nothing more than a rag doll,  
and coughed. "Damn you, woman, you've gone and done it again.  
It was the wrong zarking time at the wrong zarking place..."  
  
With a final scream of "BOOZE!" Liddite vanished into stardust.  
The Liddo-kun plushie returned, though, and it landed in the  
now-conscious Sailor Yakusoku's arms.  
  
"Ara ara, I didn't think it'd do the job this time," Sailor  
Yakusoku said through a grin. "Generally, when things are  
remade, they're made stronger."  
  
"_You,_" Tuxedo Ronin said with a hint of distaste in her voice.  
"Haven't you had enough of this yet?"  
  
Yakusoku detransformed, and Mutsumi shook her head. "Ara ara,  
of course not. I like being a Sailor Senshi, and besides,  
it means I get to stay near my dear Kei-kun."  
  
Ronin was nearly foaming at the mouth. "'_Your_ dear Kei-kun?'  
I've got news for you, Mutsumi - he's not yours to take!"  
  
Shinobu blinked. "Does this mean that Urashima-senpai is...  
but... aaau..."  
  
Suu shrugged. "Meh, no surprise. Every girl there likes him!"  
  
*****  
  
Elsewhere, Masaki Tenchi sneezed.  
  
*****  
  
In Nerima, Kuno thought he sneezed, but it was really just a fart.  
  
In a satellite somewhere in deep space, Ranma Saotome sneezed.  
  
Kodachi would have done her Evil Bitch Laugh, but she was  
on that satellite with Ranma and watching a bad fanfic at the time.  
  
*****  
  
Ronin blinked. "But only Naru should have him!"  
  
Mutsumi put her finger to her lip. "But Naru-san, don't you think  
that he should be free to choose who he wants to be with?"  
  
Tuxedo Ronin facefaulted. "You saw through my disguise? How the hell  
did you do that?"  
  
"My fault," Kitsune said, coming up behind Mutsumi. "You know how I get  
when I'm wasted."  
  
Ronin detransformed. "Kitsune, I told you that was a secret!"  
  
She snorted. "Oh, and like Sailor Sake isn't."  
  
The two were about to start fighting, but Shinobu stepped in. "Um,  
Kitsune-san, Naru-senpai, shouldn't we go after Urashima-senpai?"  
  
Everyone blinked, and Naru and Kitsune stepped away from each other.  
  
"Ara ara, that's more like it," Mutsumi said happily. "Now all we have  
to do is get Kei-kun back!"  
  
"And he's coming home with me," Naru shouted.  
  
Everyone pumped their fists in the air. "TOGG!" (3)  
  
*****  
  
Keitaro was still unconscious.  
  
Kanako was still sitting by his bedside, but she was fiddling  
with his handcuffs. "Damn things are too loose! I don't want  
him getting out of here so fast... but I don't want him to  
chafe either..."  
  
She tightened one, and then stepped back. "That ought to do it!"  
  
Just then, a wave of force swept over her, and she knew that  
her last minion had been demolished. Kanako sighed. "It's so  
hard to find good help these days." She thought for a moment.  
"How the hell am I going to find someone to keep those pesky  
Sailor Senshi out of my hair while I do things to oniisama that  
only perverted doujinshi writers and ecchi fanboys dream about?"  
  
She looked around the throne room (which, as one will remember,  
originally looked like a nice, respectable villain's cave. It  
had since been transformed into a bordello, the likes of which  
were rivalled only by the most gaudy of French palaces) for something,  
anything, that she could animate and send against the Senshi.  
  
Then it hit her.  
  
Literally.  
  
Saraite's old mask fell off the shelf it was on and clobbered  
Kanako on her head. After swearing quite loudly, she picked it  
up and threw it against a wall, shattering it into six pieces.  
It was then that she grinned.  
  
She had an evil idea.  
  
Not eeeeeeevil, but evil.  
  
You can tell the difference.  
  
She drew out the last reserves of ki that she had and threw it  
into the mask's six shards. Each arose from the ground as the  
spitting image of Keitaro Urashima, down to the very smallest  
detail.  
  
While Kanako thought about keeping them for herself for a moment,  
the sound of approaching footsteps outside the Dark Storage Shed  
banished those thoughts, and she pointed towards the door. "Go!  
Kill the Sailor Senshi so I can have oniisama for myself!"  
  
The six Keitaros bowed and vanished.  
  
Kanako ran back to the chamber where the Formless Black Mass  
hung in the air. The FBM seemed to be perturbed. "Kanako, why are  
you here? You've got your end of the bargain. Have you got the  
energy of the Yakusoku for me?"  
  
Kanako shook her head. "My queen, I've not got it yet. Give me  
just a little longer! Oniisama's the key to it all!"  
  
The FBM seemed to sweatdrop. "Urashima? The key to the Yakusoku?  
You must be joking."  
  
"No, mistress! He's Sailor Senpai! He's the one who controls  
the Yakusoku, and he's one of the Two!"  
  
It blinked. "The Two? Then he may be useful after all. I just  
hope that you can keep the Sailor Senshi away while you extract  
the power necessary from him."  
  
"That's the catch, majesty." Kanako sighed. "I don't know how to  
get the Yakusoku from him."  
  
The FBM smirked... or would have smirked, since it didn't exactly have  
a mouth per se. "You know how. All it takes is the Promised One...   
and a kiss."  
  
Kanako blinked. "Then why the hell didn't I do that before?"  
  
"I don't know, Kanako-chan. Now get out of here and get the energy!"  
  
Kanako fled the throne room, and the FBM sighed. "All the knowledge  
I have - hundreds of years of it, and the traditions - they're not  
going to help me now. It all depends on her... no matter how much I  
hate to admit it."  
  
*****  
  
"It's got to be here somewhere!"  
  
The six Senshi - well, five Senshi and one Shoujo-Kamen - were  
frantically searching the Hinata-Sou.  
  
What were they searching for, you ask?  
  
"I found it!" Shinobu said, running down the stairs with a large  
package in her hands. "I knew Urashima-senpai left it here!"  
She passed it to Naru, who gently unwrapped it.  
  
"Ara ara, what is it, Naru-san?"  
  
Naru winced. "It's his family's sword."  
  
Suu blinked in surprise. "Keitaro's family sword?"  
  
Naru nodded. "The Hina Blade. Supposedly, it sealed away a powerful   
force ages ago, and it can do so again, but it'd take a pretty strong  
bad thing to do it." (4)  
  
Mutsumi giggled. "I know what'll do it, Naru-san!"  
  
"Oh, you do, do you?" Kitsune said from her prone position on  
the couch.  
  
"The Yakusoku's power should give it enough energy to do what   
it needs to!"  
  
Suu nodded. "The turtle lady's right; that thing's powerful  
enough to do the job. But that means that..."  
  
Mutsumi smiled. "That only the true Promised One can wield this  
sword correctly." She bit her lip. "Or Kei-kun, come to think of it."  
  
"What do you mean?" Shinobu said. "Urashima-sempai can't use his  
family's sword! He said he doesn't know how!"  
  
Mutsumi patted Shinobu on her head. "Ara ara, he can use the power of  
the Yakusoku. He just doesn't know how." She pouted - rather cutely, I  
might add. "Come to think of it, so can I."  
  
"Then let's go get him!" Suu yelled, and the six started towards   
the door leading to the outside.  
  
**********  
  
Next time on OVDSDHH:ACTSNB -   
  
- Power! More strong bad power thingies!  
- Charge! The Senshi attempt to rescue Keitaro!  
- Baka! Mallets and youma and punches, oh my!  
- Ecchi! Keitaro's panties show up again!  
- Zap! The power of the Yakusoku shows up!  
All this and more, next time on OVSDHH:ACTSNB!  
  
**********  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES  
  
Yosh!  
  
Part five is complete. Two parts to go!  
  
... At least, that's what I've got planned. It may be more,  
it won't be less, but it'll be fun.  
  
On the other front, the eeeeeevil that I'm working in my  
Golden Sun 2 rare item/RNG/drop method FAQ is complete. It's  
kinda cheating, though, but it's good. You can find it on Angelfire  
in the following directory:  
  
/gundam/SatelliteSenshi/gs2dropfaq.txt  
  
For some reason, Fanfiction.net seems to remove all URLs from  
stuff that's posted (even in .txt format), and that's rather  
screwy. However, since they do that, I can't post the full link,  
but I know that you're good enough with web addresses to fix that  
error.  
  
Next on the agenda, it seems that the Digital Millenium Copyright Act  
has an interesting clause. Apparently, no one other than the person  
who bought a DVD/VHS program can watch it. That means that Blockbuster  
and Hollywood and all those companies are in violation of the law,  
so you can use that argument to make them remove your late fees (Try  
it. They took my late fee of $250 off when I did it). However, this   
also means that you can't watch a movie with your friends, and personally,   
I think that sucks, and since you bought/rented the movie, and it was   
_your_ money, you've bought the rights to do whatever with it. Write your   
congressman/woman and complain about it. (This applies to CDs and tapes   
and the like, too, just so you know. Congratulations, we're all federal-level   
felons!)  
  
Lastly, I finally bought jumper tabs, so I can hook up my laptop's hard   
drive to my Presario 4504 and get access to the stuff that's on there,  
so I've still got the Blainefics and a bunch of other stuff to MST. With   
any luck, I can get the archives I've got back to normal. There's no way   
in _hell_ I'll put the Oscarfics on that hard drive, though. They're   
reserved for the secure, encrypted vault I've got on this hard drive...  
  
And the web archive that I'm making of the worst fanfics in history.  
  
Lastly, your reviews influence the ending of this. I've planned out five  
possible endings, and your reviews influence which one you see first! So  
review, or I start doing Kana Himezaki's 10-reviews-for-the-next-chapter  
thing.  
  
Anyways, ja ne!  
  
Tuxedo Jack  
May 6th, 2003 


	6. In which the countdown to the Apocalypse...

"Disconnect order? You _dare_ to disconnect my cable? Face the  
undefeatable power of my Togg Cannon! Bwahahahaha - *HACK COUGH*  
Damn mosquitoes..."  
  
**********  
  
Tuxedo Jack  
- and -  
Craptacularly Spignificant Productions present  
- with apologies to Takeuchi and Akamatsu -  
  
Over-Violent Student Double Hail Hina:  
A Crossover that Should Never Be!  
  
Chapter 6:  
"Has It Really Come to This?"  
  
**********  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned either Sailor Moon or Love Hina,   
I'd have made this an official storyline long ago. I think  
that you can guess the rest.  
  
This series follows the Sailor Moon manga more than the   
anime.   
  
**********  
  
Last time...  
  
- Kanako tried to do some very kinky stuff to Keitaro  
- The Senshi killed Liddite (again)  
- Kanako created 6 clones of Keitaro to do battle with the  
Senshi  
- The Senshi found the Ginzuiken... erm, Hina Blade  
  
And now, on with the show!  
  
**********  
  
Keitaro struggled.  
  
Kanako had removed the handcuffs a while before, but she'd   
replaced them with silk scarves, and while they were loosely  
tied, they had an... unexpected... effect on him.  
  
A bit of music draifted into Keitaro's prison from the next  
room, and he stopped to listen.  
  
"I long for the touch of your lips, dear,  
But much more for the touch of your whips, dear,  
You can raise welts like nobody else  
As we dance to the masochism tango!"  
  
Keitaro went white. He continued to struggle against his bonds,  
and the noise attracted Kuro.  
  
"You need anything, miya?"  
  
Keitaro shook his head. "No, but I could stand to be let out   
of these for a while. I kinda have to go."  
  
Kuro sweatdropped. "You promise you won't escape?"  
  
The Senshi smiled inwardly. "That's the _last_ thing on my  
mind, especially since I haven't gone in a day."  
  
The cat nodded, leapt up on the bed, and began chewing at the   
scarves.  
  
Kanako, meanwhile, was in the other room, watching a video.  
  
"And so, ladies, I must stress the emphasis of the delicate  
nature between the candle wax and the whip in your bridal  
chambers," the woman on the screen said. "If the pair is used  
correctly, you should be able to let your bridegroom take  
nearly any punishment and he'll be fine afterwards. For  
more information on whips, please insert the tape labeled  
'Juraian Bridal Training - Masochism - 1 of 25." Sasami  
grinned evilly onscreen. "Also, don't forget to dress up!  
Men love to see women in white bridal dresses!"  
  
Kanako let loose a roaring Evil Bitch Laugh.  
  
Keitaro shuddered, and Kuro winced.  
  
*****  
  
Kanako's six Keitaros split off and surrounded the house.   
They sat in wait... and then Naru came out of the front door,   
charging towards the storage shed. One Keitaro dashed off after   
her, and the other five went after each Senshi that followed Naru.  
  
After the Senshi and Naru had one Keitaro following them, one   
Keitaro remained. It sighed, then self-destructed, and reverted   
back into a mask shard.  
  
*****  
  
Out in reality, the author leaned back and sipped at a homemade  
lime-and-strawberry smoothie.  
  
"Here ends the official timeline of Over-Violent Student Double  
Hail Hina. However, there are multiple endings, and you may pick  
the one you wish. I will elaborate on seven possible endings,  
and the originally planned one follows."  
  
He grinned wickedly.  
  
"Besides, there's no fun in just one ending, is there?"  
  
**********  
  
Next time, on OVSDHH:ACTSNB...  
  
- Miya! The first ending shows up!  
- Facefault! Superdeformity!  
- Gika! Screwiness!  
  
All this and more, in chapter 6.1 of OVSDHH:ACTSNB!  
  
**********  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES  
  
Yes, I know it's a short chapter. However, to make up for it,  
you'll have the first ending in your hot little hands by  
Thursday evening - that is to say, May 15th, 2003.  
  
And once again, it's seven endings, and I've got some omakes  
planned that you'll like.  
  
What are they, you ask?  
  
Gomen, can't tell you yet, seeing as how I've not written them.  
  
Anyways, wish me luck. I'm off to finish this series.  
  
And ja ne!  
  
Tuxedo Jack  
May 13th, 2003 


	7. The First Horsewoman of the Apocalypse

"Sacrifice? Me? Ha!"  
  
**********  
  
Tuxedo Jack  
- and -  
Craptacularly Spignificant Productions  
- present -  
with apologies to Takeuchi and Akamatsu...  
  
Over-Violent Student Double Hail Hina:  
A Crossover that Should Never Be!  
  
Chapter 6.1  
  
**********  
  
Disclaimer: Hit the back button. I don't have time to  
type it again. I'm on deadline with this, y'know?  
  
**********  
  
Ending:  
"And so it has come to pass..."  
  
Naru ran.  
  
She ran not for herself, but for the one that she thought she  
loved - but that wasn't in her mind. She wanted her Keitaro back,  
the perverted bastard who occasionally stumbled in on her in the   
bath, the one who studied with her for the Todai exams, the one  
who made her feel kinda warm and fuzzy whenever he was nearby, even  
after all the times she beat the crap out of him.  
  
Someone off in the distance put "Sacrifice -Gisei-" from Tenchi Muyo!  
on an extremely powerful speaker system, thus fulfilling the  
mysterious angsty background music requirement.  
  
And so she ran.  
  
The Keitaro following her snapped his fingers, and mists immediately  
started to form around Naru, stopping her in her tranks and making her  
look around.  
  
"Keitaro?" Immediately, the Milly Syndrome© struck, and Naru put her  
hand to her mouth.  
  
"It's me, Naru-san," the clone's voice said from deep in the mist.  
"Don't worry about me, I'm here."  
  
"That's a relief!" For a second, Naru's relief was palpable. "Where  
are you?"  
  
The clone paused for a second. "I'm over here," he said, drawing her  
in.  
  
Naru moved towards him, and when she found the clone, she smiled.  
"You big stupid dummy, you baka. What the hell happened to you,  
anyway?" (5)  
  
"Nothing much, really," he muttered. "Can we get out of here? This  
place isn't exactly the nicest to be right now, and there's something  
in these woods..."  
  
Naru nodded. "I know a nice little place nearby where we should be   
safe. Come on!" She grabbed the clone's hand and started running.  
  
The clone smiled. Everything was going according to his plan.  
  
However, when they arrived at a glen that the clone had most  
definitely _not_ known about, he started to worry, especially  
since the ground was covered with soft beds of flowers, the  
flowers in some areas seemed rather pillowy, and there was a   
noticeable dearth of small animals and such.  
  
Naru leapt past the edge of the clearing, and let go of the cloned  
Keitaro's hand. "Here we go. This place is pretty quiet and nothing  
should find us back here."  
  
The clone started to panic. "Um, Naru-san, shouldn't we be getting  
back to Hinata-sou? The other girls must be worried sick."  
  
Naru grimaced. "Forget them! We're here, together, _alone_. Do  
you know what that means, Keitaro?"  
  
Keitaro-clone sweatdropped. "Um, we're in a Clamp manga or something?"  
  
Naru smirked. "Only if this is Hideki's dream in volume 2, section 19  
of Chobits." She walked up to him, shedding her orange sweater along  
the way. "Kei-kun, do you like me?"  
  
The clone was literally sweating bullets now. "Um, Naru-chan, you  
_do_ know you're _really_ out of character here?"  
  
*****  
  
The author sweatdropped. "Gomen. Manga reference."  
  
*****  
  
Naru shook her head. "Keitaro, please, kiss me." She advanced  
towards the clone, who retreated back, which caused her to move  
on him. "Keitaro, please, just one kiss."  
  
The clone whimpered.  
  
Naru's eyes were filled with tears. "I knew it." She turned away  
from the clone and started to walk away. "You really don't care  
about me, do you? Not the way I do about you, anyway."  
  
Keitaro-clone screwed up his courage and walked towards her.  
"Naru-chan..." With that, he placed his hands on her shoulders,  
spun her to face him, and silenced her with liberal tongue contact.  
  
Solidly.  
  
For about thirty seconds.  
  
Unsurprisingly, Naru responded. As they broke apart for air,  
the clone collapsed to the ground, panting, and Naru smiled.  
"I knew it," she whispered.  
  
"Knew what, Naru-chan?" the clone said.  
  
"You shouldn't mess with the hearts of others, dammit," Naru  
said through her tears. She pulled out a sakura blossom...  
  
And transformed, nude flash and all, to Tuxedo Ronin.  
  
The clone sighed. "Naru-chan, I could be him. I could be the Keitaro  
you want, the one who goes to Todai with you, the one who loves you,  
the one who'll hold you in his arms for days."  
  
"But you're not, and it's easier to do this," Ronin whispered.  
"RONIN PUUUUUNCH!"  
  
Her fist went straight through the clone's face, and it shattered  
into nothingness.  
  
She shook off her hand, and ran on towards the Dark Storage Shed.  
"I wonder how the others are doing?"  
  
*****  
  
The author sighed. "Again, don't bother. You'll find out when I'm  
damn good and ready to write the rest."  
  
He blinked. "Though since I found a 128KB/s copy of 'Oujosama to  
Oyobi,' that might be a while."  
  
*****  
  
Tuxedo Ronin found the Dark Storage Shed amidst a sea of evil gardening  
tools, among which were a bunch of hoes that reared up and started  
trash-talking her.  
  
She blinked, Ronin-Punched them into LEO, and continued into the Shed.  
  
*****  
  
_KANAKO!_  
  
Kanako started away from her video. Hearing the booming feminine voice   
of the Formless Black Mass kind of did that, you know?  
  
"Yes, mistress?"  
  
_Tuxedo Ronin's inside the Shed! You've got to act now!_  
  
Kanako mentally bowed. "I'm on it!" She ran towards Keitaro's room,  
knocking Kuro out of the way, and turned to the cat. "Keep Tuxedo  
Ronin busy!" She then dashed into Keitaro's prison and slammed the  
door behind her.  
  
Kuro sweatdropped. "How the hell am I supposed to keep her busy?"  
  
*****  
  
Inside the room/prison, Keitaro was running away from Kanako. "Not  
today, Kanako-chan!"  
  
"Keitaro-chan, if you don't do this, I swear that I'll make you  
watch that gaijin show 'Barney and Friends!'"  
  
Keitaro shook his head. "Todai Ronin Power, MAKE UP!" This time,  
his henshin sequence gave a longer and more... stimulated...  
performance that left Kanako speechless. Of course, he still had  
on his lace panties at the end, but they did nothing to hide his   
predicament.  
  
*****  
  
The author crossed his arms. "Deal with it. You didn't bitch and  
moan when the real Senshi gave you panty flashes, and I know that  
a bunch of you watched for the ones that _Chibiusa_ did, you sick   
bastards, so this is payback on the lot of you."  
  
*****  
  
Kanako, meanwhile, hadn't wasted a second. She'd violated the laws  
of anime and tied Keitaro down while he was transforming.  
  
"Hey, that's cheating!"  
  
Kanako smirked. "I'm the Dark Queen, lover. I can do what I want."  
She waved her hand, and a mist surrounded Keitaro. He looked around  
frantically, hoping for some sort of escape, but nothing presented  
itself -  
  
- and then a mist surrounded him, and everything that wasn't within  
about three feet disappeared, including Kanako. Keitaro looked around,  
hoping for some sort of escape, when the very last thing he'd expected   
came out of the mist.  
  
Naru.  
  
"Keitaro, you pervert! What the hell are you doing?" she said, looking  
at him from her position above him. "You've got some explaining to do!"  
  
Keitaro sighed. "Why me, god..." He turned to Naru. "Look, Naru-san, it's  
a long story. Can you..." He trailed off as he saw Naru bending over him.  
"Um, Naru-san? What's going on?"  
  
Naru chuckled. "Silly Keitaro. I've come so far to get here, and now that  
I see you tied down, why should I waste the opportunity?" She climbed on   
top of him and bent towards his face.  
  
"Naru-san..." Keitaro seriously looked like he was going to pass out from  
a nosebleed.  
  
"Oh, don't nosebleed on me, Keitaro," Naru said, reaching for something.  
"We need to keep that blood for where it's needed, namely here," she said,  
giving the part in question a good squeeze.  
  
Keitaro's nose started to dribble.  
  
*****  
  
Ronin reached the front door of the shed and ripped it open, only to find  
Kuro in front of her. She grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and yanked  
him up to eye level.  
  
"WHERE'S SAILOR SENPAI?"  
  
Kuro winced. "Relax, miya. I just want out of this hellhole." He jerked  
a paw towards the back. "He's in there, miya."  
  
Tuxedo Ronin dropped Kuro and ran like hell towards the door in the next  
area.  
  
Meanwhile a little flag outside was raised to the tune of some odd blips  
and bleeps, and six fireworks exploded. (6)  
  
Kuro sweatdropped. "That bastard's gonna die for treating me like this."  
He stalked off. "I'm calling my agent."  
  
*****  
  
"Naru-san, should we really be doing this?" Keitaro mumbled as Naru   
manipulated him easily.  
  
"Relax, Keitaro," she whispered, kissing him.  
  
Keitaro's eyes went wide as he felt the soft pressure of her lips on  
his... but...  
  
There was no white glow.  
  
Just then, Ronin burst through the door. "YOU!"  
  
Naru turned to face... well, herself. "YOU!" she hissed.  
  
Keitaro blinked. "Two of them... well, I'm starkers." He grinned.   
"Threesome!"  
  
Ronin glared daggers at him, and he withered.  
  
Naru bent over him again and cut him loose from the silk scarves.  
"Don't you hurt my Keitaro!" She wrapped her arms around him  
protectively. "You can't have him!"  
  
Ronin fumed. "Let him go!"  
  
"No!" Naru bent towards him to kiss him again, and Keitaro let her  
lips touch his.  
  
"Keitaro..." Ronin whispered when she saw Naru's lips touch Keitaro's.  
A single tear slipped down her cheek...  
  
And the image of a chibi-Keitaro and a chibi-Naru playing in the sandbox  
at Hinata-sou was somehow projected in the air over Ronin.  
  
Keitaro's eyes bugged out, and he pulled away from Naru's kiss. "How...  
that's you... and me... no way!" He leapt off the bed, and ran over to  
Tuxedo Ronin. "There's no way... I mean, you can't be..." Then he remembered  
that he was in his form as Sailor Senpai, and he detransformed.  
  
Ronin's eyes went wide. "Keitaro? _You're Sailor Senpai?_"  
  
Keitaro nodded. "But you're Tuxedo Ronin... Let's see, Shinobu's Shefu,  
Suu's Mecha, Kitsune's Sake, and Mutsumi's Yakusoku... that leaves..."  
His eyes grew three sizes larger that day. "Naru?"  
  
Ronin nodded and detransformed. "Keitaro, I..."  
  
Keitaro shook his head. "Don't worry. I know." He sliped his arm around her  
waist and turned to face the figure on the bed, who by now had stood and  
had a palpable battle aura. "Then who's..."  
  
"It's me, oniisama!" Kanako dropped the disguise, which had clearly   
outlived its usefulness. The mist was dispelled a few seconds later, and  
she appeared in all her righteous anger... and lingerie.  
  
*****  
  
Off in reality, Kana Himezaki's nose immediately spewed forth a gusher  
of blood.  
  
*****  
  
"Oniisama, do you really want _her_? That red-haired cockroach?"  
Kanako's tone was almost pleading. "You've got me! I've loved you  
from the day we met!"  
  
"Kanako..." Keitaro's eyes were filled with an emotion that she   
couldn't quite decipher... remorse? Sadness? Love?  
  
"Kanako, it's destiny."  
  
"NO!" Kanako was _pissed._ "You're not taking my oniisama from me!"  
She immediately drew ki energy into her hand, formed it into a ball...  
  
And aimed at Naru.  
  
Naru transformed, but she knew that she couldn't hold off that energy.  
She braced herself for the blast, knowing that in a second or two, she'd  
most likely be sprawled dead on the floor...  
  
Kanako fired, and as expected, the crackling thump of energy hitting  
flesh sounded throughout the bedroom.  
  
Keitaro's body fell to the floor, and it was extra-crispy.  
  
Kanako paled. "ONIISAMA!"  
  
Ronin gathered up the fallen Sailor Senpai. "Keitaro... you baka, why?"  
  
He smiled, despite his pain. "Because... it's you, Naru... it's the  
Promise."  
  
With that, Keitaro died.  
  
Naru's tears fell unbridled.  
  
Kanako fumed. "YOU! You killed oniisama!"  
  
Naru gently placed Keitaro's body on the bed and turned to Kanako.  
"You heartless bitch! He sacrificed himself to save my life, and  
you say I killed him?"  
  
Kanako's response was to fire another ball of energy at Ronin.  
  
Ronin dodged and pulled out the Hina Blade. "Please, Keitaro,  
hear me," she whispered, dodging more and more of Kanako's shots.  
"Help me seal away the evil..."  
  
She unsheathed the blade and drove it forward, eyes closed...  
and a grunt greeted her. Ronin cautiously pushed it forward...  
and found Kanako on the end of it.  
  
The rogue Urashima groaned. "So... oniisama wasn't meant for me..."  
She raised her hand, pulled the Hina Blade free from Ronin's hands,  
and ripped it out of her sternum. "Mistress, come to me! Grant me   
the power I need to take revenge upon this cockroach!"  
  
The Formless Black Mass arose. "Yes, my servant, the time is ripe.  
I'll enter your body, take it for my own, and then I can take the  
power of the Yakusoku for myself, and I'll create a new world with  
it - a world where men act noble, and women stand up for themselves,  
and I don't have to carry on the family legacy!"  
  
With that, the FBM entered Kanako's body through the hole in her chest,  
and the body collapsed, shuddering.  
  
Ronin just stared in shock.  
  
A few seconds later, Motoko arose in Kanako's body. "So, Narusegawa,  
you thought that by defeating Kanako, you could have the one that   
can control the Yakusoku's power. That's not enough! You must defeat  
me, and I can take far worse than she can! After all, I am the source  
of her power over demons - the powers which I gave her from the Shinmei  
School!"  
  
Ronin grabbed the Hina Blade and swung... but was blocked by Motoko's  
blade.  
  
The kendo girl grinned savagely. "That's not good enough, ronin!"  
She swung, opening a cut on Ronin's left cheek, and Ronin fell back,  
wincing in pain.  
  
_Keitaro, please, help me..._  
  
Keitaro moaned. "What..."  
  
Both the kendo girl and Tuxedo Ronin blinked. "Nani?"  
  
Keitaro stood up. "I'm... I'm alive! But how..." He snapped his fingers.  
"Of course! Her tears healed me!" He turned to Motoko, who was now  
snarling and gnashing her teeth at him. "You..." He looked at Ronin,  
who nursed the cut on her cheek gently. "You... hurt... Naru."  
  
Motoko winced.  
  
"Todai Ronin Power, MAKE UP!"  
  
The reborn Sailor Senpai powerposed. "I fight for love! I fight for  
promises! I fight for passing grades! And I'll defeat you, for I am  
Sailor Senpai!"  
  
Motoko slashed at him, hoping to catch him off guard, but something  
white - a white aura - flared up around him, and Sailor Senpai's  
customary fuku suddenly disappeared, only to be replaced by a flowing  
white dress.  
  
Tuxedo Ronin stared in astonishment as her tuxedo disappeared and was  
magically replaced by armor and a sword.  
  
Keitaro-hime drew forth an automatic pencil. "It's time that I sent this  
evil back to where it came from!"  
  
Motoko slashed and swung at him, but all to no avail...  
  
Princess Ronin dove behind Keitaro-hime as he pointed his pencil towards  
Motoko. A huge flare of energy appeared behind him, and thousands of papers  
flew towards Motoko...  
  
"Super Exam Grade Heartbreak Special!"  
  
Motoko screamed and collapsed, exiting the body she inhabited and vanishing   
with a puff of air.  
  
Keitaro-hime caught one of the papers, and grinned. "A perfect score! We  
made it into Todai!"  
  
*****  
  
Several days later...  
  
Naru and Keitaro sat out in the steps at Hinata-sou, hand in hand, and her in  
his lap.  
  
"Are you glad we finished the Yakusoku?"  
  
"Maybe." Naru's expression was that of someone who was thinking a lot... or  
someone who has way too much fiber in their diet. "How come we weren't able to  
tap into that power before, when we were fighting the Shironin?"  
  
Keitaro shrugged. "I guess we didn't need it then. It doesn't matter, though,  
does it?"  
  
Naru sighed. "I guess not. One other, thing, though - what happened to Kanako?"  
  
"Um... well, I couldn't just leave her to die," Keitaro said, expecting to be  
whacked. "But she _did_ deserve punishment for what she did..."  
  
"ONIISAMA!"  
  
"Uh-oh," Keitaro muttered. "We had better get out of here, and fast." The pair  
stood and started running away quickly.  
  
Kanako came up to the top of the stairs... but she was SD.  
  
That's right, chibi-Kanako. Eat your heart out, Walt Disney.  
  
However, the kawaii image was somewhat disrupted by the fact that she  
held a rather large double-bladed battle axe in her hands.  
  
"Oniisama, change me back _NOW_!"  
  
**********  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES  
  
Hoo-boy, this was fun to write. However, it's kinda crappy, since it's  
4:45 in the morning and I worked through the night on it.  
  
Give me a break, though, ne?  
  
Besides, I'm fueled by the power of fizzing blue Bawls (a wonderful   
drink from Thinkgeek), and I can last for days with it.  
  
Anyways, there are a few endings and omakes to go. next up is the one   
that Talon secretly longs for, and after that... well, sore was,  
himitsu desu.  
  
Ja ne, and I'll see you next week with the second ending!  
  
Tuxedo Jack  
May 14th, 2003  
  
"And Jack said, 'Let there be cream eggs,' and there were, and they were tasty.  
And Jack was happy." (Cadbury 1:2-4) 


	8. The Second Horsewoman of the Apocalypse

"Ara ara, Usagi-chan..."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Tuxedo Jack  
- and -  
Craptacularly Spignificant Productions  
- present, with many apologies to Takeuchi and Akamatsu -  
  
Over-Violent Student Double Hail Hina:  
A Crossover that Should Never Be!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Disclaimer: Yosh, togg, ara ara, myuu. Miya, aaauu, and wocka-  
wocka-wocka!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Chapter 6.21  
"But hasn't it ended already?"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Diary,  
  
It's been quite a while since I wrote in you, hasn't it?  
  
I'm sorry it's been so long, but with the Todai exams and all,  
and what with my moving in to Hinata-sou (which, while temporary,  
served its purpose), it's been busy lately.  
  
Then there's the whole thing about me turning into Sailor  
Yakusoku. Ara ara, it's weird, turning into a Sailor Senshi,  
but if that's what happens to me, then it happens.  
  
The whole thing ended about a week ago, though, and it was  
very messed up through it all.  
  
Should I tell you about it, diary?  
  
Ara ara, I guess I should. After all, so many people know about  
it already, and it can't hurt to tell anyone else, ne?  
  
It all started when Kei-kun went missing. I'd tell you about  
what had led up to it, but I've already gone into detail about  
it in other entries.  
  
Besides, I'm low on ink, and I don't have any other pens. I'd   
borrow one from Naru-senpai, but she's... occupied.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Anyway, ever since I became Sailor Yakusoku, strange things  
have happened to me, like the whole Kanako incident.  
  
Like I said, the night that Keitaro and I kissed under the  
arch at the stairs... well, I didn't get the completion I  
wanted, but it was nice, and later, Shinobu and Su told me  
that they had seen a white aura around us, and that's what  
sparked my curiosity.  
  
Ara ara, but I told you what happened after that. ^_^¿  
  
So, like I said before, the rest of the Senshi and I found  
the Hina Blade in the attic, and it channels the energy of  
the Yakusoku. Supposedly, only two people could use that  
sword - the Promised two. What's odd, though, is that I found  
out that I was wrong - _really_ wrong. Since I could tap into   
the Yakusoku, I took the sword from Naru-chan and left the   
house with it.  
  
I didn't notice that there was a Kei-kun following me at first.  
When the rest of the Senshi left, I knew that they were being  
followed, but I didn't know what was going to happen to them.  
  
However, I had a hunch of what the clone was going to do to me.  
  
Anyways, he followed me to the teahouse, and the Kei-kun clone  
had a cup of tea with me. Haruka-san was curious about him, and  
why he wasn't with Naru.  
  
'Naru's not the one I'm interested in,' he said.  
  
Haruka-san's eyes opened a bit.  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"That's right," he said. "Ever since the time we took Mutsumi  
to Okinawa, I've been interested in her, and after Liddite  
attacked, I thought more and more about her and the sweet taste  
of her lips..." He blushed and sipped at his o-cha.  
  
I smiled, but something inside he told me that it was wrong,  
that this wasn't how Keitaro would act, so the clone and I  
finished our tea and went off towards the Dark Storage Shed,   
where Liddite had said that his mistress Queen Kanako had  
kept Kei-kun.  
  
On the way over, he slipped his arm around my waist. I didn't mind,  
but the fact that his other hand had a knife in it kind of bothered  
me. The odd things about it was that I didn't do anything about it.  
  
Well, not really. I did faint, but I didn't really do that on my own,  
ne?  
  
* * * * *  
  
Keitaro-clone screamed in agony.  
  
Mutsumi's soft body was on top of his, her buh... buh... brea...  
The clone nosebleeded. Even the thought of them was enough to  
drive him mad! He decided to have them, and he tried to raise  
his arm to cut her dress off with his knife -  
  
- Only to realize that he couldn't lift his arms, because Mutsumi's  
slight (though mostly top-heavy) weight was pinning him down quite  
effectively.  
  
The clone sighed. "Why me, God?"  
  
* * * * *  
  
When I woke up, I found the clone wincng and straining to move.  
  
"Ara ara, Kei-clone is so bold!" I said, then stood up and  
watched him rush at me with his knife.  
  
I smirked. "Yakusoku Doukasen Power, MAKE UP!" (7)  
  
"YAKUSOKU CANNON!"  
  
He faded into dust, and then reformed into a shard of a mask.  
I picked it up and kept going towards the shed.  
  
When I got there, a cute little black cat was outside, and I  
wondered for a second if this was a parody of a sentai anime  
from the early 1990s, but I shrugged it off and went inside.  
  
It was right about then that someone outside - or inside,  
I don't know which - turned on some music. It sounded like  
it was that song... you know, diary-kun, the one from "Sailor  
Moon..." That's it, it was called "Ai no Energy wo Ubae!"  
  
It scared the heck out of me.  
  
But I went in, and after going through a few dark rooms -   
one was filled with youma, which were really just cardboard  
cutouts; the second was packed to the brim with nice lingerie  
(I grabbed a few bras on my way through. They were a bit small,  
but they looked nice, and besides, I want to see how they look  
on me - and if I can't fit them, I'm certain Shinobu-chan will  
in a few years); and the last one... well, it had some odd  
black mist floating in the air. I passed it and went into the   
next room.  
  
An unusual sight greeted me - Naru-chan had her hand down  
Kei-kun's boxers and was kissing him busily, while Kei-kun  
was nosebleeding like a stuck pig.  
  
I clapped my hands together, ending the whole thing, and spoke.  
"Wai! Threesome!" (8)  
  
At that, Naru's eyes turned venomous, and Kei-kun's nose spewed  
out so much blood it looked like that old movie... what was it...  
ah, 'Dracula: Dead and Loving It,' when the vampire Lucy was staked!  
  
"NO! Keitaro's _mine!_" Naru shouted, and hugged him to her  
chest - which caused him to squeak and lose even more blood.  
Oddly enough, not a drop seemed to stain anything or get on  
anyone - Kei-kun just turned white and died from the loss  
of it all.  
  
"Ara ara, Naru-chan, it seems you've killed Kei-kun, just like  
that girl squirrel did to Liddo-kun in that one episode of 'Liddo-kun  
and Friends,'" I said.  
  
Naru grew furious, and all of a sudden, a huge ball of black energy  
grew in her hands. "BAKA! _You_ killed oniisama when you said threesome!"  
Her diguise melted away, and Kanako-san stood there.  
  
Even when she's evil and she's trying to kill you, I have to  
hand it to her - she is unbearably utsukushiku.  
  
"Ano, Kanako-san, your chest killed him," I replied, and dodged her  
ball of energy.  
  
"You did it," she screamed as she fired off more and more bolts at  
me. One shot hit me, and it knocked me back on top of Kei-kun's body,  
which, for some reason, was still red, despite all the blood he'd lost.  
  
"Itai... Mutsumi-san?" Kei-kun sat up, much to our surprise, and plotzed.  
  
Of course, my breasts in his face didn't help matters at all.  
  
"Ara ara, I guess that you didn't due from the blood loss, Kei-kun,"  
I said, before getting up and aiming at Kanako. 'YAKUSOKU CANNON!'  
  
The blast of pure energy hit her, and she went down.  
  
Hard.  
  
When she got up, she had a hole burned through her stomach, and  
she was wincing in pain.  
  
"You... you're not taking oniisama from me! I've come too far  
in so long, and I'm not going to fail!" Kanako raised her hand,  
and something black rolled into her wound, healing it completely.  
  
"Adoptive Lusty Power, MAKE UP!"  
  
Kanako-chan had a transformation sequence, and I think that  
she was naked for a second - at least, that's what made Kei-kun  
nosebleed again.   
  
"I'm Sailor Yami, and I'll take oniisama back for myself!"  
Kanako-chan - no, Sailor Yami, I forgot - leapt into midair  
and fired off several bolts of energy at me. She didn't even  
aim at Kei-kun, who by now had transformed into Sailor  
Senpai again.  
  
"Yakusoku CANNON!"  
  
"Todai Exam SURGE!"  
  
The combined attack hit her, and she was knocked back - but  
Kanako-chan quickly fired off more attacks, and they knocked  
me back into Kei-kun.  
  
He caught me, and purely by accident my lips touched his.  
  
The white aura surrounded us, and Yami's eyes grew huge. "NO!"  
  
Suddenly, Kei-kun lost his fuku and appeared in a white dress.  
He glared up with a flash of light glinting off his glasses, and  
pulled an automatic pencil out of nowhere.  
  
"Super Exam Grade Heartbreak Special!"  
  
Thousands of exam papers flew at Sailor Yami, followed by a  
giant "F," and she collapsed, unconscious. Kei-kun caught  
one of the papers in midair and read it - "A perfect score!  
We made it into Toudai!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
Ara ara, diary-kun, that was a long entry, wasn't it?  
  
Oh, well, it's over and done with now. It was fun, though,  
and Kei-kun found some watermelons in the storage shed, so  
it was worth the trip.  
  
Oh, and did I mention that Kei-kun and I completed the  
Yakusoku?  
  
That's right, we're in Toudai now, and we share a room at  
Hinata-sou, despite Naru-chan's objections. She was turned  
into an SD character for some odd reason, and Su-chan hasn't  
fixed her yet. Come to think of it, she's enjoying her new  
job...  
  
* * * * *  
  
The SD Naru sulked. "Why did I ever agree to this?" She   
swung her paddle towards Kanako threateningly. "Oujosama   
to oyobi!" (9)  
  
I suppose I should state tha Kanako was naked except for wisps  
of fabric covering her... erm, NC-17 spots... and SD Naru was  
dressed in a white leather angel outfit with a paddle.  
  
SD Naru grinned. "On second thought, this might be fun!   
Oujosama to oyobi! OUJOSAMA TO OYOBI! Oh, hohohohoho!"  
  
Kanako screamed in horror from her chained-up position on the  
wall of the No-Longer Quite so Dark Storage Shed.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Off in other dimensions, Naga, Aeka, and Kodachi sneezed.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Off in reality, Kebinu's nose exploded in a fountain of blood.  
  
Kana Himezaki passed out and was promptly taken to a nearby  
hospital, where he once again drained the blood bank in an  
effort to replenish his supply.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES  
  
Like I said, there are alternate endings for each character. ^_^  
  
There are at least two more endings in mind. I don't think I'll  
write one for Shinobu or Su, and Kitsune... well, I'll leave  
that to the author of "Foxheart," whom I believe is Eijentu.  
  
I don't apologize for the Kanako/Naru punishment scene. You knew  
what you were getting into when you started reading my stuff, and  
you knew that I'm sick, twisted, and a completely eeeeeevil bastard.  
  
Next up is the expected ending - and you know who it is this time.  
After all, good couldn't defeat evil all the time.  
  
Ja ne!  
  
Tuxedo Jack  
May 18th, 2003  
  
"Call me Musashi now! Go, Jioh-Maru!" 


	9. The Third Horsewoman of the Apocalypse

"Don't eat the door!"  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
Tuxedo Jack  
- and -  
Craptacularly Spignificant Productions  
- present, with many apologies to Takeuchi and Akamatsu -  
  
Over-Violent Student Double Hail Hina:  
A Crossover that Should Never Be!  
  
Chapter 6.3.14159  
"This is what, the fifty-second time it's happened?"  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
Disclaimer: If I own Love Hina, I'm Ken Akamatsu. Seeing  
as how I'm Tuxedo Jack, I don't think I own it.  
  
And if I owned Sailor Moon, I'd be a woman named Naoko  
Takeuchi. Again, I'm not her, and I'm most certainly  
not a woman.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
SPECIAL WARNING  
  
This episode contains some sexual elements. It's nothing  
that would be rated higher than TV-14 or PG-13; however,  
since it's a fairly integral scene, deal with it. There's  
nothing explicit; it's more a lime than anything else.  
  
However, since it's pretty critical to the plotline,  
you can either read it or skip to the next ending.  
  
Don't say I didn't warn you.  
  
Seriously, last chance to turn back. Just push Alt+Left or the  
Back button on your browser.  
  
You made the choice, not me. Okay, here's chapter 6.3.154159!  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
Shinobu stepped out of the back door of Hinata-sou and  
ran away, tears streaming from her face. _Aaauh, senpai's  
gone, and I can't do anything about it without help..._  
  
Su ran after her. "Hey, Shinobu-chan, wait up!"  
  
Maehara ignored her and continued on.  
  
Su shrugged and went off to do battle with her mask shard,  
not noticing that a Keitaro-clone followed Shinobu as well.  
  
Shinobu's tears dripped down her cheeks, and she eventually  
stopped running, ending up right next to a gigantic oak tree.  
She collapsed to the ground, sobbing, and didn't notice the  
clone snap his fingers, creating a mysterious... mist... that  
appeared around them. He slipped up behind her...  
  
"Shinobu-chan?"  
  
"Senpai!" Shinobu threw her arms around the clone. "How... how  
did you..."  
  
"Shush," the clone said. "All that matters is that I did."  
She pressed herself close to Kei-clone, and he grinned, his  
glasses flashing evilly in the darkness. "Shinobu-chan,  
everyone's heading for the Dark Storage Shed?"  
  
"That's right, senpai," Shinobu said, nuzzling Kei-clone's chest.  
"I thought... I thought I lost you."  
  
The clone blinked. He hadn't expected this. "Don't worry, Shinobu,  
I'm not going to leave you again."  
  
Shinobu sighed in relief and let the tears of relief stain his shirt.   
"Arigato gozaimasu, senpai. It's just that when I'm with you... it's  
so comfortable..."  
  
He sighed. _Guess I'm going to have to play along for now..._  
Kei-clone took Shinobu's hand. "Shinobu-chan, you're the most  
loving, trusting person I've ever met. You took care of me when  
I was out cold, you cook the most excellent food I've ever eaten,  
and your soul... it's so pure and sweet."  
  
Shinobu blinked. "Urashima-senpai?"  
  
Keitaro-clone smiled and took her chin in his hand. "Call me  
Keitaro," he whispered, and gently kissed her.  
  
Shinobu smiled after they broke apart. "Senpai, I think... I think  
that I'd better tell you this, before... before I lose my courage."  
She blushed furiously. "Keitaro, aishiteru!"  
  
Kei-clone plotzed. "Shinobu-chan... erm..."  
  
"Please, Keitaro, hold me," Shinobu murmured.  
  
Kei-clone wrapped his arms around her and sighed inwardly. _Joy...  
now what am I going to do?_ He sighed. "Ano, Shinobu-chan, I think  
we'd better get moving."  
  
"Just a minute longer, please..."  
  
The clone sighed.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Kanako frowned. "Why isn't that clone killing Sailor Shefu? He's...  
unreliable."  
  
The Formless Black Mass drifted in. "You know why he's not killing  
her. She's... unique. A soul as pure as hers... it's affecting  
the aura of the clone. Besides, the soul... it's quite delicious,   
and there are... other uses for her."  
  
Kanako smiled. "Yes, there are, aren't there?"   
  
The FBM seemed to frown. "If you do that, I won't aid you any more.  
I'll tap into the powers I need in another manner."  
  
"Then go," Kanako said, shaking her hand dismissively.  
  
The FBM nodded and drifted off. "Then I take my leave of you,  
Urashima, and my powers will not be used to aid you again."  
  
The Dark Queen ran her tongue over her lips hungrily.  
  
"This is going to be fun. Oh, yes, it will."  
  
* * * * *  
  
Kei-clone and Shinobu headed towards the Shed and eventually,  
after trekking across the incredible length of the lawn and the  
wastes of the tree-covered wood, reached their destination.   
  
As they entered, Kanako was there to greet them. "Oniisama!"  
She turned to the clone. "I don't like what I've been seeing,  
clone," she whispered to him. "You'd better be ready to do   
what I say."  
  
The Kei-clone just nodded.  
  
Kanako then turned to Shinobu, who by now had transformed into  
Sailor Shefu and had her Kebab Glaive aimed at Kanako. "Sailor  
Shefu, I, Dark Queen Kanako of the Dark Storage Shed, do formally  
surrender to you, the Senshi of the Kitchen's Powers. I am yours  
to do with as you will."  
  
Shefu blinked and detransformed. "Um... Kanako-san, why?"  
  
Kanako smiled. "Because I acknowledge your... dominance... over  
me, and I'll... submit... to _anything_ you want." She smiled -  
rather cattily, I might add.  
  
Kei-clone, while being an exact physical and mental clone of Keitaro  
(while evil in disposition and ultimately submitting to the will of  
the Dark Queen), and as such being subject to all his weaknesses,  
did not, despite the common assumption, nosebleed.  
  
Shinobu blushed madly. "Kanako-san..."  
  
Kanako ran her finger along Shinobu's cheek before gently kissing  
the Senshi's hand. "Dear, dear Shinobu-chan. Perhaps we could  
discuss our plans for my punishment in my quarters?" She softly  
tugged on Shinobu's hand and pulled her towards the bed in her  
room.  
  
"Stand guard," she whispered towards the clone. "Come in when you   
get my signal... and be prepared. I don't want any sticky stains,  
though, if you get my drift."  
  
The clone nodded.  
  
* * * * *  
  
The author slapped himself furiously. "For the love of Pen^2,   
what am I _DOING?!?_ I can't write a Shinobu lemon! I'm  
supposed to MST the damn things!"  
  
He then checked his Dr. Pepper. "Hey, there's something funny in  
this, and it's not alcohol..." He sniffed at it. "It's... sodium  
pentothal?" He blinked, trying to remember just what that did.  
"Let's see... it's a truth drug from the Cold War... and  
it was used in conjunction with Versed, the suggestant drug..."  
  
He trailed off in astonishment. "ALASKAN!"  
  
The author raised his hand high in the air. "Mallet of Akane,  
come to me!" With that, the traditional giant wooden ki-powered   
mallet appeared in his hand, and a battle aura appeared. "Come  
out, come out, wherever you are, you kono ecchi otaku!"  
  
Nearby, Baka-Alaskan giggled and ran off like a rabbit on acid.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Kanako gently pushed Shinobu down on to her bed. "And now, my dear,   
let me teach you the ways to make your enemy helpless." She snapped  
her fingers, and her clothes disappeared.  
  
"Step one - get them alone." This was punctuated by a kiss, to which  
Shinobu blushed furiously.  
  
"Step two - know their secrets, their fires, their darkest lusts,"  
Kanako hissed into Shinobu's ear, trailing a fiery line of kisses  
down the Senshi's neck.  
  
Shinobu was moaning now.  
  
"Step three - get them right where you want them." Kanako snapped   
her fingers, and the Kei-clone slipped into the room, holding a knife.  
She waved her hand to him while using the other one to... minister...  
to Shinobu.  
  
The clone moved closer, and slipped the dagger from its sheath, which  
readied it for use.  
  
"Last - do it!" Kanako said, making Shinobu's back arch in pleasure,  
causing the Senshi to see what Kanako had planned -  
  
The clone stabbed his dagger downwards as Kanako rolled away -  
  
- Shinobu's eyes flickered for a second, and the light died -  
  
- and the Queen screamed as the dagger found its way into her chest.  
  
"YOU... how... why..." Kanako moaned as she ripped it free.  
  
The clone wept. "Her eyes, my queen. Have you seen into them? I have,  
and I couldn't... not now, not ever."  
  
"Urashima-senpai!" Shinobu leapt off the bed and hugged him to her.  
"She was... you mean..."  
  
The clone's eyes were flinty. "She would have killed you, Shinobu-chan."  
His gaze fixed upon Kanako, who was hissing in rage. "She'd have seduced  
you, pleasured you, and taken your very soul to power her infernal  
machinations."  
  
Shinobu blinked. "Ano, I think the studying's paying off."  
  
Kanako laughed. The mere sound of it bubbled wallpaper, made heads explode,  
and put Naga and Kodachi to shame.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Off in their respective dimensions, the aforementioned two women   
sneezed again and wondered if they had caught colds.  
  
* * * * *  
  
In accordance with MSMT3K canon, Tuxedo Jack's head exploded, flinging  
Liddo-kun plushies around the theater. It reassembled on its own.  
  
Meanwhile, Sailors Pluto and Saturn continued riffing the fanfic they   
were watching and paid the head explosion no mind.  
  
Yes, it was just another day in the life of the people on the Eisei  
no Senshi.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Kanako rose to her feet, flung the dagger into a wall, and snapped her  
fingers to make clothes appear on her.  
  
The clothes didn't hide the growing red stain, though.  
  
"What do you know?" she hissed at him. "You're just a clone, just a   
duplicate I made of oniisama."  
  
Shinobu blinked. "What?"  
  
Kanako smiled. "He didn't tell you? Go ahead, _clone_. Tell her what  
you are. Tell her that I made you to _kill_ her."  
  
The Senshi turned her head towards the clone. "Urashima-senpai..."  
  
Kei-clone dropped his head in shame. "It... it's true, Shinobu-chan.  
I'm an exact duplicate of Keitaro, both physically and mentally."  
  
Shinobu gasped in shock. "But... then... what you said..."  
  
"On some level, he feels the same," the clone muttered. "He and I  
are mentally linked, since we're the same. He sees what I see and  
he feels what I feel - and right now, he's miserable."  
  
"It still doesn't change things," Kanako screamed in fury, charging  
up a blast of dark ki. "You're going to die, and nothing's going to  
stop it!"  
  
She fired -  
  
- and the clone leapt in front of Shinobu, taking the blast of energy  
and collapsing to the ground.  
  
"URASHIMA-SENPAI!" Shinobu leapt to Kei-clone's side, cradling him in  
her arms. Kanako collapsed, panting, as if the ki attack took too much   
out of her.  
  
"Shinobu..." he whispered. "I guess that I won't get to go to the  
Tanabata festival with you..." (10)  
  
Shinobu's eyes were covered in tears. "Aaaau, Urashima-senpai, don't die..."  
  
The clone sighed gently. "I'm not him..."  
  
"You are to me!"  
  
Kei-clone smiled. "In a sense, I am not... and yet I am. It is...  
comforting."  
  
The clone dissolved into shards of light, which then turned into  
a shard of Saraite's mask.  
  
Shinobu stood up, full of rage. "Kanako! You've killed my love,  
and now you're going to pay for it! Shefu Skillet Power, MAKE UP!"  
  
She transformed with a nude flash (though that bit was censored   
thanks the Belldandy's FCC Spell, although you have to wonder  
why it didn't kick in in Keitaro's or Naru's henshin sequences) (11)  
to Sailor Shefu, and Shefu twirled her Glaive at Kanako.  
  
"Do you know how I'm going to defeat you, Kanako?" Shefu hissed.  
"Just like you taught me. Step one - get them alone." She swung  
at Kanako, forcing her back into a corner of the room.  
  
"Step two - know their weaknesses!" Shefu seemed to be praying.  
  
"Step three - get them right where you want them!" Shefu grinned   
ferally, which is completely out of character for her, but since   
this story's a touch short on PlotFuck©, I think I can let it slide.  
  
"Pan-Fry Smoke Hallucination!"  
  
A smoke image of Keitaro popped up in mid-air in front of Kanako.  
  
"Oniisama?" Kanako stared in shock and awe. (12)  
  
"Step four - DO IT!" The Kebab Glaive sliced through the hallucination -  
  
- and right into Kanako, who shuddered, gasped, and passed out.  
  
Shefu withdrew the Glaive, detransformed, checked on Kanako's pulse,   
and sighed. "She's still alive... I couldn't do it."  
  
"Ano, Shinobu-chan, I think you did it this time," Keitaro said  
from the other side of the room whilst rubbing his wrist.  
  
The Senshi blinked. "Urashima-senpai? Is it _you_?"  
  
"Why wouldn't it be?" Keitaro frowned. "Did that psycho send out  
evil clones hellbent on killing my friends again?"  
  
Shinobu, Keitaro, and even the unconscious Kanako sweatdropped.  
  
"Come on, Shinobu-chan, let's go home," Keitaro said, reaching  
out to her.  
  
"One second, Kei-kun," Shinobu said, picking up the mask shard  
from the floor and hugging it against her, then running after  
the kanrinrin.  
  
* * * * *  
  
A week later...  
  
Shinobu lay against Keitaro on the roof of Hinata-sou, her head on   
his chest, as the Tanabata fireworks went off overhead. Their hands   
were intertwined, and none of the other tenants were anywhere near.  
  
"Urashima-senpai?"  
  
"I thought I told you that you could call me Keitaro," he said  
through a chuckle.  
  
Shinobu blushed. "_Keitaro..._ I'm going to bed now. I'm tired."  
  
Keitaro nodded. "I'll be down in a bit to kiss you good night,  
Shinobu-chan."  
  
Shinobu stood up, and for a second, a flash of light illuminated  
the new necklace she wore.  
  
"Good night, Urashima-senpai," she thought, giving the mask shard  
she wore on her necklace a little squeeze.  
  
It seemed to get warmer for a second.  
  
"I guess you got to go with me after all."  
  
* * * * *  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Kanako was screaming in horror.  
  
Her punishment was something truly awful.  
  
It was beyond compare.  
  
Even the Yama Kings of Hell shuddered at the thought of it.  
  
I mean, Jesus, this was the most evil thing anyone could ever  
do to a former dark queen turned prisoner.  
  
Note the distinct lack of multiple "e" uses on that evil.  
  
Kanako's eyes were taped open, and a television across the room  
was blaring out something truly sickening.  
  
"GO, GO, POWER RANGERS, YOU MIGHTY MORPHIN' POWER RANGERS!"  
  
Kanako's screams could be heard outside the Not-So-Dark Storage Shed.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Off in reality, the author went ouside of his house, winced at  
the bright light, and walked to his mailbox.  
  
"Let's see... bill, lawn care ad, bill, pizza flyer, bill...   
the hell? 'Saint Ataru's Hospital for Otaku?'"  
  
He blinked. "'This is your final notice of debt due on the bill  
of...'" The author trailed off. "KANA! Stop sending your bills  
for your damn nosebleeds to me! I won't pay them!"  
  
Nearby, the men in white coats waited for an opportunity to jump  
said author.  
  
Said author yelped and ran inside, slamming the door just in time.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES  
  
Yosh and Togg to TrueC!  
  
First off, I want to state that the punishment scene this time  
was an adaptation of an omake created for this by TrueC. In addition  
to its being here, the original omake will be published with the  
reference guide and the other omakes. Once again, I thank TrueC  
for the omake, and I gratefully acknowledge his contribution as  
both a prereader and creative inspiration for this.  
  
What, the reference guide? Oh, I didn't tell you?  
  
Well, here's the deal. You know how I've been placing numbers in  
parentheses throughout the series? Well, after I publish the last  
ending, I'll give you people two weeks to participate in a little   
contest. If you detail where _all_ the marked references are from,   
I'll write a fic at your request about almost any anime or a   
(limited amount, since I'm a poor bastard and I don't often emulate)   
video game. This is probably the only time I'll ever do a request,   
so keep your eyes out. Hell, if you want, I'll even stick you in as a   
guest MSTer or villain on Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000, my MST   
series.  
  
The following is a direct excerpt from the reference guide and  
a general idea of what I want in an answer from anyone  
who plays the game:  
  
"7: An indirect reference to Fushigi Yuugi's ending theme,  
'Tokimeki no Doukasen,' or, roughly translated, 'Fuse to  
My Heart.'"  
  
Got it? Good luck.  
  
Thirdly, like I said in the last one, I hadn't intended to write a  
Shinobu ending, namely because I hadn't emphasized her role as Sailor  
Shefu too much in the series, and not only that, the general rule  
(outside of "A Love that Binds," anyway) is that she's paired with Su.  
However, when I got Alaskan's review for the Mutsumi ending, I felt  
kinda guilty, and shortly thereafter, a friend of mine mentioned  
backstabbing and backscratching (the kinky kind, in the latter case),  
and the whole thing just came together like Tupperware and lids.  
  
On a lighter note, this was completed over the space of four hours  
of Adult Swim, a 44-ounce Dr. Pepper from Phillips 66, and a goodly  
deal of El-Hazard, which is on the International Channel on Wednesdays.  
  
Again, the Kanako ending is in development, and there's one... other...   
ending I have in mind. They'll be out soon enough. Just relax.  
  
After this, who knows? I do have more LH ideas in mind, but I  
have other pressing projects to attend to, so...  
  
Ja ne!  
  
Tuxedo Jack  
May 21st, 2003  
  
"Life's gonna suck when you grow up,  
When you grow up,  
When you grow up,  
Life's gonna suck when you grow up,   
It sucks pretty bad right now!" 


	10. The Fourth Horsewoman of the Apocalypse

"Thank God I'm halfway blasted."  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
Tuxedo Jack  
- and_  
Craptacularly Spignificant Productions  
- present, with apologies to Takeuchi and Akamatsu -  
  
Over-Violent Student Double Hail Hina:  
A Crossover That Should Never Be!  
  
Chapter 6.40.4.80  
"I swear, this is the last one!  
  
... Isn't it?"  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
Disclaimer: If the person who owns Love Hina or the person  
who owns Sailor Moon falls down in a forest, it doesn't hurt  
me, because I'm not them.  
  
Special Warning!  
  
Two words - "Cherry Blossoms." Probably only Kana and Kanako  
will understand that.  
  
And Kanako-san, Kana sent it to me. Her and her _and_ grenades?   
I'm flattered, but one of them's married, isn't she? And that   
last bit... erm... well, isn't that _illegal_ in half the world?   
My head would explode, but you already made me do that... three   
times. ^_^¿  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
It wasn't really all that hard.  
  
The Shironin I'd hired all failed, yes, and they were failures  
in themselves. Shiraite and Haitanite were useless students,  
Saraite was a hateful little bitch, and Liddite... well, that  
squirrel... or whatever the hell he was... was a mistake.  
  
Even the Formless Black Mass had deserted me. I was furious with  
her, and in the note she left, Motoko said that I'd screwed up  
too many times to redeem myself in her view.  
  
My screwups? _Mine?_  
  
It wasn't I who failed, it was the Shironin, and Motoko was acting  
like a gaijin in not acknowledging that the whole damn process was  
screwed up.  
  
At any rate, I knew that the Senshi had found the Hina Blade, and  
I knew that they wanted Keitaro back.  
  
That's right, Keitaro. I'm not some half-crazed psychobitch like  
Dakki from "Soul Hunters" or Beryl from "Sailor Moon." I'm Kanako,  
and I have a calm side that surprises even me.  
  
Besides, saying a name conveys a sense of intimacy, and that's exactly  
what I want with Keitaro. After all, he's the only one who really  
loves me.  
  
The six Keitaro-clones were rather taxing to create, and they took   
quite a bit of energy out of me. I knew that I wouldn't be able to pull  
many illusions for a while, and I knew that the Senshi would eventually  
defeat the clones...  
  
That, or crack and stay with them, thinking that they were the real thing.  
  
I figured the Shinobu girl would be the first to go nuts.  
  
* * * * *  
  
At any rate, I created the six clones, and I knew that one self-destructed  
from the look on oniisama's face when I went in to see him. Admittedly, the  
outfit I was wearing - a black lace teddy with a translucent chiffon robe -   
may have caused the look, but seeing as how he kind of tended to get himself  
into... unusual... situations, he probably felt the link with the clones instead  
of the sight of me.  
  
I know Motoko would have loved it, but she was gone.  
  
"What's wrong, Keitaro-kun?"  
  
"Everything," he whispered.  
  
"Oh, come on, it can't possibly be _that bad_," I said to him, drawing it out  
and rolling the last bit of it off my tongue.  
  
His eyes flashed. "That's just it! You're only using me for sex, Kanako-chan!  
You don't even care that I made a promise fifteen years ago to go to Todai!"  
  
I snorted. "Of course I care. You don't get it, Kei-kun. Those five just  
abuse you. They beat you, they deceive you, they con you out of money,  
and even that little Shinobu girl emotionally manipulates you. What do  
you think she's doing whenever she cries?"  
  
"At least they try to be nice to me!"  
  
"Fine, then." I snapped my fingers, and used some of the little power I had  
left to magically change my clothes into something more confortable - just a  
simple t-shirt and jeans, nothing special, but just enough to calm Keitaro  
down. I didn't want him freaking out on me.  
  
Yet.  
  
Just then, I noticed his expression twitch and facefault. Apparently, one of the  
clones had been defeated. I hoped it wasn't the one that Narusegawa bitch had.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Kitsune giggled and slapped the Kei-clone's back. "Ya know, Keitaro,  
yer great. I absholutely love ya. I wantsh to have yer babiesh and  
end up growin' old wish you..." She hiccuped.  
  
The now-dead-of-alcohol-poisoning Kei-clone didn't respond. Instead, he  
merely turned into dust and floated away, then reformed into a mask shard.  
  
Kitsune shrugged and continued drinking.  
  
* * * * *  
  
About ten minutes passed, and nothing came into the small perimeter I'd set up outside  
the Shed. It was good - if it had been the Narusegawa girl, I'd have had serious trouble  
repelling her in my condition. As is, the mere presence of Keitaro's connection to  
the Yakusoku was recharging me, and I'd be at full power in a bit.  
  
His face twisted again, and I knew that a second clone had just gone down.  
  
From the way his expression brightened, I was certain that it was Narusegawa's  
clone.  
  
My heart sank. I didn't have much time.  
  
"Keitaro, come on," I pleaded. "Don't you know how much I love you?"  
  
"Kanako, you may love me, but I'm your _brother_!"  
  
"Adopted!"  
  
"This isn't 'Tenchi Muyo,' oneechan."  
  
"So?"  
  
* * * * *  
  
Mutsumi dropped her Keitaro-clone with a single Yakusoku Cannon, then  
promptly passed out.  
  
She remained like that for a few hours, and then Haruka found her. The  
cigarette-smoking woman sighed and carried Mutsumi back to her teahouse.  
  
"Kanako owes me quite a bit of money for this," she muttered to herself.  
"She'd better pay, or it's a Dragon Slave for her." (13)  
  
* * * * *  
  
Haruka's message came through to my mind clearly, and I inwardly smiled.  
Two of the four Senshi were done with. The other two... well, they'd be a   
touch tougher, since they shared a special bond - that of a first kiss.  
They'd stick together, and that'd be tough to break.  
  
The cockroach... well, I'd deal with her when she got here. I had plans for  
_her_.  
  
Keitaro and I lay side by side on his bed, not moving, not doing much  
of anything but talking. We'd reminisced, and I'd slowly seeded the idea  
into his mind that Naru was merely using him as an emotional dumping  
ground so she could get into Todai.  
  
"But you're stronger than her, oniisama," I said quietly into his ear.  
"You've taken everything she's dished out and then some. I mean, look  
at you - you've taken _beatings_ from her."  
  
"And I always emerge unscathed," he muttered.  
  
"Only because you're full of love! Love for everyone... but do I get  
any of that?" I ran my hand down his chest.  
  
He grabbed it halfway down. "Of course, neechan."  
  
Damn.  
  
He was still thinking of me as his oneechan... I'd have to fix that, and  
fast.  
  
"Keitaro, just call me Kanako. We've known each other for that long, anyway,  
and it's just easier."  
  
He smiled. "Okay, Kanako."  
  
Good, good. It was working.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Mecha-Tama CRUSH!"  
  
The giant turtle obliterated the Keitaro-clone and Sailor Mecha  
approached the Shed, mask shard in hand. She held it up to the  
front door, and it opened for her.  
  
"Wai! Now Su-chan's going to play with Keitaro-san all day and   
all night forever and ever!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
I got up from our bed - yes, I was thinking of it as that that quickly.  
  
"Excuse me, Kei-kun. Nature."  
  
He nodded and closed his eyes. I slipped out to the front door  
of the Shed, and saw the little girl - Mecha, or Su, I think.  
Anyway, she pointed a little turtle at me, and I grinned.  
  
"You won't be able to hurt me with that. Here, play with this!"  
I flung a small knotted piece of string at her. The second she  
caught it, it expanded over her, tied her up, and kept knotting  
itself and growing with every knot.  
  
"It's called a Gordian Knot," I said evilly. "It took the great  
Alexander a sword to untie. For your sake, I _do_ hope that  
you get it undone quickly."  
  
She started screaming, but soon enough the screams were muffled  
due to the huge ball of string.  
  
I kicked the ball aside, walked back inside, and shut the door.  
  
"Now where were we, Kei-kun?  
  
"Kanako, I think it would be nice. After all, you're you, and I mean,  
you as a tenant at Hinata-sou would be good."  
  
Hmm... he wants me to live there. Interesting. How could I manipulate  
this to my advantage?  
  
"Kei-kun, you know there's no extra room there. I couldn't possibly  
room with any of the girls there - they all hate me!"  
  
"You can stay in my room, if that'll make you comfortable."  
  
I smiled. "Really, Keitaro? Thank you so much!" I reached over to his face,  
and was relieved when he didn't tense up. Good. He was beginning to trust me.  
"Your glasses might get broken. Here, let me place them on the bedside table."  
I pulled them off, brushing a few strands of his hair out of the way, and he   
shivered.  
  
I smirked inwardly.  
  
He apparently liked it.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Shinobu's clone took one look at her and dropped dead of sudden and massive  
glucose poisoning.  
  
"Ack, urk, glurgh," it muttered before dying and dissolving into dust and a   
mask shard.  
  
Shinobu blinked. "Ano, Urashima-senpai, where'd you go?"  
  
* * * * *  
  
Another clone was destroyed, I could tell that much from Keitaro's wince.  
I waited a few minutes, and since the door to the shed wasn't broken down,  
I figured it must be that other little girl, the one who was so confused  
and broken that she was like a little lost puppy...  
  
And that gave me an idea.  
  
No, I wouldn't kill this one like I did the other. I had some... ideas... in  
mind. I licked my lips, and slipped off from Keitaro while he lay there,  
lightly snoozing. When I got to the front of the Shed, I noticed little  
Shinobu Maehara there, not even transformed, not even prepared for what  
I was going to do to her.  
  
I flat-out kissed her.  
  
She gave off a little "meep" and shook like a leaf, but didn't pass out.  
When I slipped my tongue into her mouth, she moaned, but didn't resist  
even one bit.  
  
However, when I dispelled her clothes, Shinobu lost her balance and  
fell to the ground.  
  
I chuckled. I could see the longing in her eyes, the sense of lust...  
but I decided satifying her... and admittedly, myself... would have to wait  
for a while.  
  
"Go down to the third door on the left," I whispered hotly in her ear,  
and nipped at it to make sure that she got the picture.  
  
She did, and she stumbled all the way. Just before she entered the room,  
I said, "Oh, Shinobu?" When she turned around, I flung a mask shard into  
her chest. It didn't hurt her - it was merely ki-powered - but instead,  
it implanted my will and desires into the girl.  
  
It was nice to know that I provoked the kind of response she gave me in   
both men and women... and come to think of it, I still do.  
  
I slipped back to Keitaro's room just in time to see that the last clone  
had been destroyed and that the Narusegawa bitch was on her way. I let Keitaro  
alone and ran to the front door, just in time to see a fist slam through it.  
  
When Naru entered, I simply spoke a few words.   
  
"You didn't have to ruin the door. You could have used the knob."  
  
She merely sighed. "Where's Keitaro?" she growled at me.  
  
"Keitaro? I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about," I  
said innocently. "Oniisama hasn't been here in a while." I was telling the  
truth - he certainly hadn't been out to the front door of the shed in a  
_long_ time.  
  
The cockroach hissed and slapped me.  
  
She.  
  
Slapped.  
  
Me.  
  
It hurt... a lot. I would have drawn back my fist and punched her out,  
or blasted her with a ki ball, but Keitaro took the opportunity to walk  
into the room with Shinobu (now clothed, fortunately) in tow.  
  
"Ano, Kanako-chan, what's she doing here?"  
  
Naru took Keitaro's comment to mean her, and needless to say, she was  
_pissed_.  
  
"I come all this way to rescue you, through hell, high water, and stuffed  
plushies, and you don't even call me by my _name_?"  
  
Keitaro blinked. "Rescue me? Why would I need to be rescued? It's not bad at  
all here, and it's not like I'm in any kind of trouble."  
  
Naru gasped. "But... Keitaro, you... you're Sailor Senpai, and he's...  
he's in love with Tuxedo Ronin... right?"  
  
Keitaro shrugged. "Meh, she's nice, but a touch too violent for my taste.  
I'd much rather be with Kanako-chan than her."  
  
I grinned inwardly. Now was the time to make the final move. "See, Ronin?"  
I whispered to Naru as I slipped my arm around Keitaro's waist, and he did  
the same to me. "He doesn't want you." With that, I turned his head down to  
mine and kissed him solidly.  
  
He responded, and at that moment, I knew I'd won.  
  
Naru let out a howl, and punched me in my face, knocking me away from my dear  
Keitaro and onto the floor. She leapt for me, screaming out "RONIN..." along the  
way, and right after she yelled "PUNCH!" and slammed her arm forwards, Keitaro  
blocked for me.  
  
Unfortunately, even those who are invincible have a breaking point, and this was  
it. Keitaro collapsed, since the entire right side of his chest was collapsing,  
and Naru just stared in shock.  
  
This made it easy for me to flick a ki-powered mask shard into her, which brought  
her under my control.  
  
"I can heal him," I whispered to her.  
  
"Do it! DO IT!"  
  
"It'll cost you, you ungrateful, violent bitch," I hissed in her ear.  
  
She nodded, the tears flowing freely now. "Oh, gods, Keitaro, what have I done..."  
  
I focused the last - the very last - of my power over him, and he got up, groaning  
in pain. "Kanako-chan? What happened?"  
  
"That cockroach killed you, Keitaro," I said, staring straight into Naru's eyes.  
"She gave her powers - and her life - to me to bring you back."  
  
Naru winced at this, but I pulled out a ball of ki behind my back so Keitaro  
couldn't see it, and she nodded.  
  
"You mean she's going to die?" He shook his head. "No one should die to bring another  
back."  
  
"Oh, she's not going to die," I said, smiling. "She's going to stay with me... and  
she'll be Princess Leia to my Jabba the Hutt, metal bikini and all."  
  
At this, Keitaro spouted a nosebleed, Shinobu and Naru blushed furiously, and I just  
grinned. "And Shinobu... you'll dress like a Roshtarian harem girl, if you don't  
mind," I whispered to her. "After all, the... fringe benefits... of staying with  
me are nice."  
  
"And what about me, Kanako-chan?" Keitaro said. "Do I get to stay with you?"  
  
"Of course, oniisama," I said, smiling ferally. "You're mine, and I'm _never_  
letting you go."  
  
* * * * *  
  
And so it all ended. I ended up not only with Keitaro as my beloved, but  
Shinobu and Naru as... servant girls. Yes, that's it, servant girls, with  
one in a metal bikini and one in a harem girl's outfit...  
  
It's good to be the evil queen of a huge (well, not that big, it's just  
Hinata-sou and the grounds) empire.  
  
And I still don't.... play... with Naru alone. I don't trust her enough for  
that. Sometimes it's me and Keitaro with her, sometimes it's me and Shinobu,  
but I'll never be alone. After all, she could stab me in the back, and that's  
reason enough for me never to let her be on the bottom.  
  
* * * * *  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES  
  
Jesus, it's finally done. The whole friggin' saga's over.  
  
This is the last official ending for Over-Violent Student Double  
Hail Hina: A Crossover that Should Never Be. I'll have a few  
omakes for it, and there's the contest, but sailorhina-kanakoending.txt  
officially closes the canon chapters.  
  
Also, I hate to tell you all this, but I'd not seen _any_ Love Hina  
episodes until I'd finished the Naru ending, which is when I got some  
fnasubs from a friend. I didn't start watching them until I finished  
the Mutsumi ending, and even then, I didn't get but to episode 17  
before I finished this.  
  
And yes, I saw episode 13, and yes, I laughed my ass off, especially  
at "Cherry-kun." However, it _was_ WAFFy to the extreme at the end.  
  
Thanks to the following:  
  
*TrueC, for giving me the idea that the FBM should be Motoko  
*Seth Triggs, for being a sounding board  
*Rai Nascent, for prereading and slapping me when I went too far in the  
rough drafts  
*Kana, for his... intriguing... comments  
*Kanako, for her gift after the Mutsumi ending, which, admittedly while...  
interesting, made me nosebleed a touch (and that item isn't _ever_  
leaving my computer, so don't ask to see it, people. You'll have to  
ask her)  
*Kebinu, for convincing me to turn this from a oneshot into a series  
*Magician XV, for starting "Tales of the Rotten," which was a major  
cure for writer's block  
  
And last - though certainly by far the greatest, Naoko Takeuchi and  
Ken Akamatsu for giving me these two worlds to play in. Without them,  
we'd never have gotten them, so I suggest we thank them!  
  
The next project I've got going is called "The Maltese Liddo-Kun."   
It's a nice little mystery fic about... well, you'll see. It's not a  
one-shot, though, so it'll be a while before I get it done.  
  
Kepe up with my profile! It's got a link to my website, and I'm updating  
that a lot more often than FFN stuff now, and it gets my writings about  
a week faster than FFN these days. It's also the only place where I can  
post my MSTings.  
  
The URL's in my profile, and it's also..  
  
users3.ev1.net  
  
In the subdirectory...  
  
~jchiles  
  
Just in case I can bypass the FFN block on URLs in stories.  
  
Click on the logo for the Senshi no Eisei, and you'll see my site. Also  
hosted there are the sites for Tuxedo Alex and TrueC, both good authors  
and a damn fine MSTer. Check them out!  
  
And so, I leave you for now, but to paraphrase Ben Franklin...  
  
"This book will be reprinted by the Creator in a new edition, with better  
binding, and in a far better revision."  
  
Ja ne!  
  
Tuxedo Jack  
J.R. Chiles II  
June 2nd, 2003  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
Omake  
  
The lights went out in the studios, with only the hissing of  
the bug-zappers echoing in the night.   
  
It was like that for quite a while until the Gordian Knot  
suddenly exploded, and Su burst out.  
  
"Ha! I knew that Su-chan could beat any challenge!" She looked  
around. "Ano, where is everyone?" 


End file.
